September 10th, 2007

take it off

What hath Mike Veeck wrought?

One of the very few gags on The Office that didn't work for me was when Michael took Jim to Hooters for lunch and embarrassed him by making breast-related double entendres to the waitress. Surely the waitresses at Hooters are inured to such things -- the Michael Scotts of this world are their target demographic, after all. Hooters is founded on the principle of being a crappy restaurant that caters to a middle-class business clientele that wants waitresses with big tits, and pretending that it's not. Its very name is a breast-related double entendre! And I'm supposed to believe that Michael Scott would stand out and garner the opprobrium of the staff? I'm not buying it.

Anyway, I recently learned that, even though I don't know what energy drinks are for or who's supposed to be drinking them, there's approximately fifty billion of them, including one called "Pimp Juice" and another that is sponsored by Steven Seagal. But look out, all the other energy drinks: there's a new kid in town!



Getting through the day with the energy...of TITS!

But the fun doesn't stop there, oh no! What would a new product rollout be without some bogus, disingenuous marketing talk? "We are very excited to launch this new product into the dynamic energy drink market," says Hooters vice-president of marketing Mike McNeil, who gets paid a ridiculous amount of money to say things like that. "When you think of Hooters you think of high energy." And not, you know, tits.

The slogan for Hooters' Energy Drink (which tastes like citrus and/or berry, apparently, and not greasy hot wing sauce) is "REAL MEN NEED REAL ENERGY", because why let an opportunity go by to prop up the fake macho paradigm to which our weak-ass country so desperately clings? Here's another fun bit from Mike McNeil and his minions:

Hooters Energy Drink is poised to capture the U.S. marketplace.

Any day now.

Designed to energize and improve mental concentration and physical endurance, Hooters Energy drink combines a superior-tasting flavor

Superior-TASTING. Not actually superior, it just tastes that way, you see.

with a powerful caffeine punch

Just in case you're not getting enough heart disease from their wings.

cutting edge design

As you can see from the can, I can't possibly gainsay this.

and a highly marketable name.

TITS!

The info page goes on to say that one of the drink's target markets is "the underserved NASCAR Nation". Underserved. Underserved. Because, really, who is paying attention to race car fans? It's not like you can't go five seconds without seeing one of their logos on a t-shirt or a consumer product or a TV commercial or during prime-time sports air time. It's about goddamn time someone FINALLY paid attention to those terribly underserved NASCAR fans!
banana

Whoops, I polled you again

These Monday polls have taught me so much. Someday, maybe I'll tell you what.

Poll #1052967 Monday Poll: The Energy Drink: The Movie: The Poll

What is your favorite reason to throw up?

Because I'm pregnant
4(5.9%)
Because someone has just punched me in the stomach
2(2.9%)
Because I'm drunk
18(26.5%)
Because I have cancer
0(0.0%)
Because I have eaten something horrible
18(26.5%)
Because I am bulimic
1(1.5%)
Because I am in Throw Up Club
9(13.2%)
Because that is how I commemorate September 11th
7(10.3%)
For the sheer joy of throwing up
4(5.9%)
other (see Comments)
5(7.4%)

In which mass-cultural phenomena have you never participated?

I have never read a Harry Potter novel
6(9.2%)
I have never seen a "Star Wars" movie
0(0.0%)
I have never seen "American Idol"
4(6.2%)
I have never had coffee at a Starbucks
2(3.1%)
I have never eaten at a McDonalds restaurant
0(0.0%)
I have never been to a professional sporting event
1(1.5%)
I have never bought a CD by a top 40 band
2(3.1%)
I have never read a "Dilbert" cartoon
0(0.0%)
I have never watched a YouTube video
0(0.0%)
I have never owned a home video game system
5(7.7%)
I have never shopped at a store owned by Gap, Inc.
2(3.1%)
I have never owned a house pet
1(1.5%)
I have never learned to drive
0(0.0%)
I have never been to a Wal-Mart
0(0.0%)
I have never done anything of any kind
1(1.5%)

Britney Spears.

Sure, I'll take one
4(5.6%)
What about her?
18(25.4%)
No thank you
14(19.7%)
Good Lord
26(36.6%)
I think we're alone now! Doesn't seem to be anyone a-rou-hound! Wait, what?
9(12.7%)

I am working on a school text at my job about young inventors, and one kid who's featured invented a "soup fan" -- a small cooling fan that hooks up to your soup spoon and cools your hot soup, because the inventor doesn't like to eat hot soup. Why is this stupid?

Why not just wait for the soup to cool?
2(2.9%)
Why not just avoid eating soup?
1(1.4%)
Why not just eat cold soups, like gazpacho?
1(1.4%)
Couldn't you just blow on the soup?
12(17.1%)
Even if you need a fan to cool down your soup, a fan that only cools one spoonful at a time is horribly energy-inefficient.
11(15.7%)
This guy is the best kid inventor they could find?
5(7.1%)
All of those reasons
34(48.6%)
All of those reasons and more (see Comments)
4(5.7%)

What desktop image have you always wanted, but have never been able to find?

time for a beatin'

Throw Up Club

The last poll has inspired several of you to ask about Throw Up Club. Please write this information down as it will be deleted within the hour.

There are eight rules of Throw Up Club.

Rule #1: You don't talk about Throw Up Club.
Rule #2: You don't talk about Throw Up Club! Especially when you're throwing up.
Rule #3: When someone gets the dry heaves, even if they're just faking it, the throw-up is over.
Rule #4. Only one guy to a bucket.
Rule #5: One bucket at a time.
Rule #6: Don't throw up on your hair or shoes.
Rule #7: You throw up as long as you have to.
Rule #8: If this is your first night at Throw Up Club, you have to throw up.