September 25th, 2007

god bless the internet

Terrorshop Tuesday

All right, y'all. I'm about to call upon you to do the most important thing you have ever done, so pay attention.

I was recently made aware that former child star/Mormon singing zombie Marie Osmond has unleashed upon the helpless Earth a gaggle of unholy homonculi in the form of a line of dolls that will just creep your shit right out if you have one fiber of decency left in your decayed, precancerous frame. Easily the most dreadful emanation from a Christian former television personality of the late 1970s since Lisa Whelchel (Blair from TV's Facts of Life) and her terrifying homeschool discipline blog, the doll collection also features something I will see pursuing me in my nightmares for the next hundred lifetimes:

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Yes, it's Baby Donny, a horrific representation of Marie's brother as a toddler just prior to some soul-shattering, knife-wielding psychotic episode.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you damn well better): PHOTOSHOP THAT SCARY FUCKER.

Think of it as a Something Awful Photoshop Phriday, only on my LiveJournal, an on Tuesday, and funnier. If you have any .PSD skills at all -- shit, even if you don't -- mess around with that picture. Put him in movie stills. Put him in ads. Put him in historical situations. Put him on album covers, as did hipsterdetritus with memorable results. Do anything you want -- just make it funny, and do it often so as to in some way alleviate the life-killing horror I experienced when first gazing upon that dead plastic visage. Post your results in Comments, and let's us laff the day away, at the expense of the truly deserving Osmond family.

THIS IS WHY GOD INVENTED COMPUTERS, people, this right here, so let's make him proud. Get to work, and make it something you'll want to scare your grandkids with.
bad motherfucker

I should not read media journalism at lunchtime

by America, age 12

1. Rappers often boast bout their sexual prowess, artistic ability, and dangerous character, which no other musicians have ever done!

2. Rappers tend to view women exclusively in terms of sexual conquest (positive) or tendency to sow discord (negative), which is something new and dangerous in popular music!

3. Rappers are enamored of violence and bad behavior, an attitude otherwise unknown in American culture!

4. Some people who listen to rap music are fetishizing the behavior of a socio-economic class to which they do not belong, which is a behavior entirely unprecedented in the history of the United States!

5. Rappers glorify materialism and the acquisition and consumption of expensive consumer goods, and we simply cannot tolerate that within our capitalist system!

6. Rap music is not, in fact, music at all, but rather a pastiche made up of elements borrowed from other musical forms, something that has never happened before in all of recorded sound!

7. A large amount of rap music is not actually very good, a phenomenon totally alien to all other forms of music!

8. In rap music, the most thoughtful, intelligent, groundbreaking work is often commercially unsuccessful, in marked contrast to all other forms of artistic endeavor!

9. The people responsible for the production, distribution and sale of rap music seem more concerned about maximizing their profits than considering the social effect it has on our culture, which is certainly not something you can say about all other industries!

10. Rap music has a lot of black people in it!

Actually, I really should not do anything at lunch, apparently

I went to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription, and up at the counter, they had these little hand-held battery powered fans. Which, okay, sure. And they looked like little WWII-vintage fighter planes, where the fan was the propeller. Which, again, fine, I guess.

But the planes all had Balkenkreuze on the wings and the fuselage. Anyone buying one of these would be cooling themselves with a Nazi warplane.

I...I don't know whether to call this "tasteful San Antonio" or "tasteful China" or what. I'm terribly confused by the whole thing.