October 4th, 2007

can you dig it?

An Imagining: A Response

Married person/humor technician rjwhite didn’t know he was issuing a challenge with this post. But he was.

***

(From an interview with Lars Ümlaüt, lead guitarist for Alamout Black, in the October 2007 issue of Metal Up Your Fanny magazine.)

MUYF: Lars, congratulations on the completion of another successful tour. Your last gig at Stonehenge was incredibly well-received.

LÜ: Yeah, is good. Fans all cheer and spaceship come, take to heaven Lars.

MUYF: You seemed to be having some trouble with “Freebird”.

LÜ: I non’t like this song. Why we play I doing know.

MUYF: Well, let’s talk about that for a bit. In the past, you’ve been quite outspoken over your band’s choice of material.

LÜ: Why is Lars play the Heart’s song? Why is “To Rock This Town”?

MUYF: You’re unhappy with the current set list?

LÜ: Lars is metal. Lars wants play metal. Look at corpsepaint! Why ask Lars, “Lars, fans want to hear ‘Rock and Rolls Hootchie Koos’”? Lars from Malmö, play only black metal. Lars will play “Freya”, Lars will play “Hangar 18”, Lars will even play “The Strutter” if get enough aquavit before show. Why, though, ask Lars play “Miserable Lou”? Lars does not know this songs.

MUYF: So life with Alamout Black isn’t all encores and lighter-waving.

LÜ: Big problem is uncompatibilting. Drummer get along with Lars, he is very much metal, but sometime he explode for day at a times. Singer, he is from Williamsburg, always want to go to afterparty with Vice magazine photographer. Bass player go to dress room, listen to Pavement b-sides over and over. Keys board, he played by fat roadie only.

MUYF: Have you thought about going solo?

LÜ: Very much Lars think on this, but Alamout Black is very popular, make lots of money. Lars have bills to pay.

MUYF: Like what?

LÜ: Almost never we make full paycheck. Lars spend two thousands dollar every time he change clothes. We have girl singer, she get full salary on tour plus royalties and only three songs does she ever sing. Is not easy, rock and roller lifes style.

MUYF: Well, what’s next for Alamout Black?

LÜ: New tour for us.

MUYF: Will you be previewing new material?

LÜ: No, plan is play same songs, same order, same venues. Lars values consistency.

MUYF: Uh…so what’s going to be different about the next tour?

LÜ: This time Lars try harder.

MUYF: What do you mean?

LÜ: Sometime Lars not play so good, take it easy on Lars self. Last tour I only play four strings on guitar. Next tour: try harder, charge more.

MUYF: Why?

LÜ: Just lazy.
he's just a stereotype

Leonard's Guide to Naming Your Metal Band

As you know, I spend a lot of time thinking about metal. After having spend several decades interacting with various metal bands in a variety of ways, I have discovered that all metal band names can essentially be broken down into categories. Herewith some examples (all real bands), and suggestions as to which pattern you might wish to follow when naming your metal band.

BLASPHEMIES (SHORT): Abominator, Blasphemy, Iniquity, Abhorrence, Amoral, Unholy, Apostasy, Sacrilege, Atheist, Deicide, Monstrosity. Best for: technical death metal; bands where the lead singer drinks a lot.

BLASPHEMIES (LONG): Insanity Reigns Supreme, Silent Stream of Godless Elegy, Eternal Tears of Sorrow, Church of Misery, Sins of Thy Beloved, Thou Shalt Suffer, Neurotic of Gods, One Man Army & the Undead Quartet, Pain of Salvation, Moribund Oblivion, Bretwaldas of Heathen Doom, Tears of Mourning Rule the Divine, While Heaven Wept. Best for: gothic metal; bands that are really screamo but don’t want to admit it.

COD LATIN: Imago Mortis, Omnium Gatherum, In Extremo, Arkhon Infaustus, Hortus Animae, Officium Triste, Carpe Tenebrum, Lux Occulta, Vene Domine, Nokturnal Mortum, Hibernus Mortis, Solitude Aeturnus. Best for: symphonic black metal; bands where the lead singer is gay.

DEMONS: Abigor, Asmodeus, Belphegor, Agathodaimon, Abbadon Incarnate, Gorgoroth, Baphomet’s Throne, Lord Belial, Sammael, Acheron. Best for: black metal; bands formed over a copy of ‘Deities and Demigods’.

LOTS OF Ks: Sadistik Exekution, Kataklysm, Korpiklaani, Lakkichhara, Kekal, Kromok, Katafalk, Keep of Kalessin, Akercocke, Kublai Khan. Best for: metal bands from non-western countries; bands where the lead singer is a moron.

MISSPELLED MYTHOLOGY: Nazxul, Pegazus, Tiresis, Artefact, Kovenant, Mezzerschmitt, Nostradameus, Susperia, Valhall, Kamelot, Kult ov Azazel. Best for: hard-rock bands; bands with the same name as another band but wishing to avoid a lawsuit.

NAMES OF PLACES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHERE YOU ARE FROM: Nepal (Argentina), Mekong Delta (Germany), Salem (Israel), Asgard (Italy), Notre Dame (Sweden), Nile (United States). Best for: prog-metal bands; people who are extremely lazy.

NAMES THAT SUGGEST THAT YOU AREN’T TAKING THE WHOLE THING ENTIRELY SERIOUSLY: Fuck…I’m Dead, Dew-Scented, Subway to Sally, Frantic Beep, Butterfly Temple, Sad Legend, Bumblefoot, Impetigo, Jelly Jam. Best for: jam bands; bands where the lead singer is Australian.

PRETENTIOUS ADJECTIVES: Enthroned, Chthonic, Absurd, Corrupted, Forsaken, Inhumed, Enslaved, Embraced, Entombed, Rotting, Condemned, Esoteric, Impaled, Obsessed, Unanimated, Unconquered, Unleashed. Best for: black/death metal; bands who own a thesaurus.

SOME 15-YEAR-OLD’S D&D CHARACTER: Bloodaxe, Dragonsword, Piledriver, Battlelore, Deathchain, Fintroll, Moonsorrow Stormwarrior, Elvenking, Gallhammer, Skyforger, Trollfest, Warlord, Lord Gore. Best for: power metal; bands where the lead singer is fifteen.

THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU: Disembowelment, Visceral Evisceration, Anorexia Nervosa, Massacre, Atrocity, Beheaded, Severe Torture, Battered, Slow Agony, Decapitated, Defleshed, Hypothermia, Cancer, Amoebic Dysentery, Anthrax, Death, Drawn & Quartered, Immolation, Internal Bleeding, Nuclear Assault, Suffocation. Best for: death metal; bands who used to own a dog that mysteriously disappeared.

UNPLEASANT SOUNDS: Clagg, Grott, Thrudvangar, Urskumug, Drudkh, Grom, GWAR, Noothgrush. Best for: Viking metal; bands who spend more on costumes than on equipment.

WIZARDLY REFERENCES: Alchemist, Deathspell Omega, Mystic Circle, Eldritch, the Black Mages, RuneMagick, Ceremonial Castings, Incantation, Pentagram. Best for: doom metal; bands whose lead singer is really, really baked.

You're welcome.
baby demon

Metal Addendum

GERMAN, JAPANESE & ITALIAN METAL BANDS WHO MAYBE DIDN'T QUITE THING THEIR NAMES THROUGH ALL THE WAY: Atrocity, Axxis, Crematory, Gravedigger, Stormwarrior, Death SS, Corrupted.

ADJECTIVE-NOUN METAL: Mournful Congregation, Pungent Stench, Verbal Deception, Ceremonial Embrace, Clandestine Blaze, Impaled Nazarene, Satanic Warmaster, Eternal Majesty, Mystic Forest, Adorned Brood, Blind Guardian, Dreadful Shadows, Silent Force, Septic Flesh, Mourning Beloved, Corpsefucking Art, Forgotten Tomb, Polluted Inheritance, Mechanical Poet, Cryonic Temple, Majestic Vanguard, Timeless Miracle, Moribund Oblivion, Electric Wizard, Unseen Terror, Cephalic Carnage, Eternal Decision, Guttural Secreter, Malevolent Creation, Ritual Carnage, Suicidal Tendencies, Vital Remains.

INEXPLICABLE DUPLICATED VOWELS: Mortiis, Shaaman, !T.O.O.H!, Mutiilation, Taake, Laaz Rockit.

DARK: Cryptal Darkness, Darkwell, Dark Forest, Darkwoods My Betrothed, Dark Fortress, Darkseed, Darkthrone, Darkestrah, Dark Lunacy, Tales of Dark, Dark Moor, Darkane, Dark Tranquility, Dark Slaughter.

YOU CAN HARDLY TELL THEY'RE FOREIGN METAL: Mercyful Fate, Am I Blood?, Section Brain, Scarve, At Vance, On Thorns, Without Face, Neurotic of Gods, Sad Legend, Luca Turulli's Dreamquest.