October 15th, 2007

flavored with age

I die now

Well, I got a whole lot of writing done this weekend, and a whole bunch of nothing else, including cleaning house, encountering sunshine and sleeping. In fact, as it happens, what I do when I finally shut my eyes in bed or recliner is not so much 'sleep' lately as it is 'unconsciousness' or 'light coma', which will probably turn into 'mild death' before too long. But hey, I got a whole lot of writing done!

Also, good work, NBC, in taking all your shows off of iTunes. Your new proprietary player is much better, what with the inability to save files, the cross-platform incompatibility, the constant skips, freezes and delays, the occasional crashes that force you to start the whole show again from the beginning, and the incessant commercials for the same exact thing. A free product that sucks is much preferable to a good product you have to pay for!

An American Tradition of Briskness

I'll keep it short, because I know you all like to pretend to be busy.

Poll #1071644 Monday A.M. Poll Thing

I watched Season 1 of "Heroes" over the weekend, and I still don't like it. What's wrong with me?

You don't know genius when it's kicking you right in the nuts.
I guess you just don't like things that are awesome.
You have a problem with shows that are boring, plodding and poorly constructed.
You don't know how to follow your first instincts when avoiding things that are bad.
The question "what's wrong with Leonard?" is far beyond the capacity of a mere poll to answer.

Using the word "cunt" in a commonplace, generic identity slang, a la the Scots: exculpatory or mitigatory?

I don't know what either of those words mean

Why do people prefer check boxes to radio buttons?

People enjoy the illusion of choice, even when it's unnecessary
People enjoy watching other people get confused about what kind of question it is
Radio is a dead medium
Because, like, some of us don't fit into your button-down single-option plastic reality, maaaaan
Squares are inherently superior to circles

Is feeling like you might throw up a good enough reason to stay home from work?

No; get busy, fatbody
No; suck it up and lay off the Pringles
Yes; your co-workers don't need you puking on them
Yes; I don't know how you're even able to type this
My work involves vomiting

What's your favorite way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

naked and ashamed


So, as you may know, I was planning to submit something to calamityjon's Halloween art jam. The problem with this is that I can't draw. I mean, I really, really can't draw. At all. I'm not going to say I suck, because that would be an insult to people who merely suck. Nonetheless, I gave it a shot: I wrote a whole funny script about a guy whose office is taken over by zombies. This was the easy part because it didn't involve any drawing. Then I tried to draw it and discovered that:

(a) I can't draw
(b) my inability to draw is even worse than I remember from the last time I tried to draw something
(c) my script involved drawing a lot of fairly complex things that I wouldn't be able to handle even if I could draw
(d) which I can't.

I tried to draw it in a more 'cartoony' (read: uncomplicated) style, but I realized that no matter how far downwards you define the definition of the word 'drawing', I cannot do it. If I were to attend an art class targeted at 4th-graders in which the first assignment was "draw, with the aid of a template, a convincing smiley-face", I would fail.

So, sorry, calamityjon, I'm sure this is gonna break your heart and all but you'll be getting no drawing from me this or any other year. I do have some pens I can let go cheap, though, because just touching them makes me want to bust out crying.

Here is the logo, which is the only part of it that I can stand looking at without wanting to hang myself, and it's not very good. This is the BEST I CAN DO, is what I'm saying.

While I was at it, I doodled some pictures of MC Boy and DJ Aak, stars of a webcomic I came up with that doesn't have any pictures. After looking at these, you will see why I chose to make a webcomic with no pictures.

Also, since one of the poll questions today was screwed up, here is a substitute that will allow you to express your contempt for my shitty, shitty drawing in words chosen by me. Enjoy.

What does this art do for your appreciation of my webcomic "The Adventures of Internet Featuring Outer Space North Koreans DJ Aak and MC Boy"?

It makes me hate it even more than I already did
It makes me love it even more than I already did
It makes me want to urge you to never draw anything again
It makes me want to urge you never to draw OR write anything again
It basically just makes me want to die
It makes me want YOU to die
I can no longer look at anyone else's art seriously again, because yours is so great it is better than anything ever
I can no longer look at anyone else's art seriously again, because yours is so bad it has annihilated the very concept of art
I'm sticking to my previous pattern of not saying anything at all because I can't say anything nice
other (see Comments)