November 1st, 2007

he's just a stereotype

There's only one word for this sort of thing: KLASSY

1. Little blonde girl disappears. This is a terrible tragedy, of course, but because the girl is white and has a family with resources, everyone in the world is expected to care.

2. Some months later, a vacationing Spanish tourist spots an Arab-looking couple toting around a little blonde girl who bears a passing resemblance to the famous victim. He snaps a photograph and alerts the media.

3. The press completely flip their shit and immediately begin speculating that the girl has been kidnapped by nefarious Berbers. Al-Q'aeda terror scheme? Sure, why not?

4. Representatives of European media track down couple and begin harrying them. They are taken into custody and questioned by police for many hours.

5. Whoops! It turns out that the little blonde girl is their daughter. The press, having learned the shocking news that North African Muslims are sometimes blonde, wanders off to find new monster lurking under bed.

Hat tip to andrewlevine for this 'un.
surprise i'm nuts

I wrote this on the back of a sardine can

TC: Hello, everybody, I’m Truck Claxon and welcome to another exciting installment of Who’s Getting Punched in the Back of the Head? As you know, each week, we send our camera crews to select one person to punch in the back of the head with a roll of quarters, and then our contestants try to win fabulous prizes by guessing who it will be. The closest guess moves on to the bonus round, where you can win even more exciting cash and gifts. Let’s meet today’s contestants; first off is Mrs. Rod Sperley of Whiteland, Indiana.

RS: Hi, Truck! I’m so excited to be on your show!

TC: We’re excited to have you. Now, what do you do in Whiteland?

RS: I’m a homemaker. I believe God intended for women to have dominion over the home and not to work.

TC: Where did God say that?

RS: In a dream I had once in the hospital.

TC: Okay. Now let’s meet Turl Buckford, a roof and plating engineer from Wenatchee, Washington. Turl, what’s a roof and plating engineer?

TB: I don’t know.

TC: Really? What do you do?

TB: I just give people my card and then hang around their house until they pay me to leave.

TC: Great. Our last contestant for today is Smedley Ague, who’s a rare book tormenter from Ponca City, Oklahoma. That’s quite a cravat you’re wearing, Smedley.

SA: Thank you. It’s from the “Napoleon in Silks” collection of Mssr. Éventé of Van Nuys.

TC: Are you all ready to play Who’s Getting Punched in the Back of the Head?

ALL: Yeah, uh huh, I suppose so, can’t we go to the park instead?, etc.

TC: All right. Here are today’s clues as to the identity of our victim. First, it is either a man or a woman. Second, the victim is involved with nature. Third, it is not Criss Angel. Smedley, you won the spitting contest backstage, so you get to guess first.

SA: Is it a child?

TC: No. It is either a man or a woman.

SA: A child is either a man or a woman.

TC: No it’s not.

SA: That’s what you said about flowers last week.

TC: Moving on. Mrs. Sperley?

RS: I think it’s Criss Angel.

TC: No, no, I specifically said it was not Criss Angel.

RS: I just really want to see Criss Angel get punched in the back of the head.

TC: Turl Buckford, what’s your guess? Turl?

SA: He went out for a smoke.

TC: All right. Since you were both terribly wrong, I’m giving him today’s prize of $7.94 and a bus ticket to Lodi, the Zinfandel Capital of the World.

SA: Well, what was the answer?

TC: You.

Smedley is punched in the back of the head.

RS: That was my next guess.