November 2nd, 2007

banana

The Monday Poll, Delayed

You're all going to be very sorry you asked where the weekly poll was. Just remember, it's all for science.

Poll #1081649 Dirty filthy naughty poll

When do you and your partner generally have sex?

in the morning
2(3.2%)
in the evening
26(41.3%)
in the afternoon
1(1.6%)
we vary times equally
12(19.0%)
I do not have sex, Leonard, thank you for reminding me of my painful loneliness
22(34.9%)

Your current habits aside, when do you prefer to have sex?

in the morning
10(16.1%)
in the evening
9(14.5%)
in the afternoon
15(24.2%)
I have no preference
17(27.4%)
I do not have sex, Leonard, thank you for reminding me of my painful loneliness
11(17.7%)

Consider this scenario: a couple are having sex. The male partner orgasms, but while he is undergoing refraction, he continues to engage in sexual activity (digital/oral/etc.) with his female partner. When he is once again able to attain an erection, they have vaginal intercourse again until he orgasms. They then repeat the process a third time. How many times have they had sex?

Once
19(30.2%)
Three times
11(17.5%)
I object to the question because it is heteronormative
1(1.6%)
I object to the question because it poses the male experience as definitive to the question of whether or not sex has begun or ended
8(12.7%)
I object to the question because of its inelegant construction
2(3.2%)
I object to the question on moral grounds
1(1.6%)
I object to the question for some other reason, delineated below
1(1.6%)
I do not understand the question
1(1.6%)

What is the most number of times in one day you have had sex, defined as sexual activity involving a partner but not otherwise restricted?

1-3
12(19.4%)
4-6
27(43.5%)
7-9
11(17.7%)
10+
4(6.5%)
I have never had sex
1(1.6%)
Allow me to semantically muddle this issue in Comments
0(0.0%)
Your sudden obsession with my sexual habits is totally creeping me out, Leonard
7(11.3%)

Defend your choice of preferred time for sex. Or tell me a bad joke. Whatever.

ouch

Ten Answers

Q.: IS WATERBOARDING TORTURE?

1. Is pizza dinner?

2. Is our children learning?

3. Does a bear shit in the woods?

4. Are you fucking kidding me?

5. You want to talk torture? I have this split lower lip that's healing really slowly and the temptation to fuck with it is maddening. That's torture.

6. Is it just me, or does waterboarding sound like something that would happen at a Disney theme park? Which, come to think of it, it just might.

7. Is zulkey sassy?

8. Only when bad people do it.

9. Is the President of the United States an asshole?

10. Only according to everyone in the world except for members of the Bush administration.
surprise i'm nuts

(insert guitar solo from "Sunshine of Your Love")

So I have this subscription, as I have mentioned, to the San Antonio Freecycle mailing list. But all that is ever offered on it is junk, so I don't get a lot of use out of it. (I mean, honestly. Expired coupons? What on Earth is one meant to do with that?)

However, I have developed, in my apparently copious free time, little narratives around the people who post on it regularly. I mean, what vast human tragedy is contained in these three subsequent postings by "kiddosontheway"?

OFFER: boy's clothing and shoes
OFFER: variety of toys (suitable for 8-year-old boy)
WANTED: knitting supplies and books


***

To my surprise, the package of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish snack crackers I purchased for lunch a few days ago has a Mad Lib on the back of it.

Finny, Xtreme and Brooke were playing hide and (VERB). Xtreme, who has more (FOOD) than he can handle, hid in the (NOUN). Finn and Brooke looked for him under the (NOUN) and in the (NOUN).

"(EXCLAMATION)!" They heard Xtreme yell. "This is so (ADJECTIVE)!" Finn and Brooke (PAST TENSE VERB) to find Xtreme -- only to find him (PAST TENSE VERB) with a (TOY).

"Xtreme, you sure are (ADJECTIVE)", laughed Finn and Brooke.


My Friday afternoon challenge: make this funny without implying that Finn, Brooke and Xtreme are some kind of deranged sodomists.