November 12th, 2007

more bad news

Bitch betta have my Style section

WHEY MAH MUTHAFUCKIN NEW YORK TIMES? MAH ASS DONE PAID FOR HOME DELIVERY SPOCE TO START TODAY, NEW YORK TIMES, NOT NEX MUTHAFUCKIN WEEK! I NEED THAT SHIT IN THE A TO THE GOT DAMB M WITH MAH IRISH BREFUSS TEA! I NEEDS THE MUTHAFUCKIN PAUL KRUGMAN'S COLUMN! I NEEDS THE MUTHAFUCKIN STOCK QUOTES! I NEEDS ME THE MUTHAFUCKIN WILL SHORTZ CROSSWORDS! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, NEW YORK TIMES? WHEY MY NEW YORK TIMES AT?
life of the mind

The art wants what it wants, dude

“Fatso,” people sometimes ask me, “You dreamed that someday you would grow up to be a professional writer, and now you have. In what way is your career at variance with those one-time boyhood dreams, Fatso? Eh? Huh? Come widdit, Fatso.”

I usually respond with the list below, as well as an admonishment that there is no practical need to call me Fatso three times within a single interrogatory paragraph.

- I thought that I would be a writer full-time, and not have a day job also. In fact, I have done this, but constantly teetering on the brink of poverty when things are slow is a lot less appealing than it was when I was 24.

- I do not, as I thought I would, sit in front of a typewriter all day chain-smoking. Instead, I sit in front of a computer monitor all day chain-drinking.

- My friends are not all sparkling academics who drop bon mots like leaves from an autumn tree. Just most of them.

- I am not married to a sexually rapacious ex-poet, and we do not live in a rattletrap New England manse on the coastline. I live in a duplex in San Antonio and my wife is a huge cockroach.

- Editors have, in the course of my career, valued me less for my daring post-modernist fiction and my uniquely rigorous philosophical insights and more for my knowledge of produce inspection methods and my ability to think of something funny to say about Avenged Sevenfold.

- Not as valued as you might think: being a good writer. Much more valued than you could ever imagine: meeting deadlines.

- I receive a large share of my income from two groups I did not anticipate being so preeminent amongst my clients: businessmen and pornographers.

- Norman Mailer did not live long enough to be defeated by me in a fistfight. I always thought that I’d go first.

- I guess it would be untrue to say that I fantasized about sleeping when I was a lad with a big dream of becoming a writer. But I will say that, had you asked me, I would have said yes, I suppose I will sleep, when that day comes. Nope, I was wrong about that.

- I never thought that I would someday be bylined as a “content provider”. But I’d always dreamed!

- All in all, I am very happy with my career as a professional writer, although it is very different than I dreamed and it turns out that thinking up ideas for books is a lot easier than writing them, and writing them is a lot easier than selling them. Also, my name is not Fatso. I wish editors would stop using it in their correspondence.
ho ho ho

Tres Hombres

1. I went to Austin over the weekend and, after polishing off a pestersome freelance assignment, I hung out with thehighhat and his lovely wife and two very adorable children. oilyrags and scottvond hauled themselves over and we played Guitar Hero III (outcome: rockin’!) and Cities & Knights of Catan (outcome: win!) before Hayden forced us to drink tequila and take drugs and I forget what happened after that.

2. Did I mention that I will be out of town every weekend for the next six goddamn weeks? What is wrong with me? That is another thing about being a writer, is that sometimes people make you go places and look at things and then write about the things you looked at. What a wacky world.

3. IT’S A KUNG FU CHRISTMAS TIME! As you may know, for the last seven (!) years, I have lovingly assembled a mix of cool and curious holiday songs, and the CD of same is yours for the asking. All you gotta do is leave me a comment or send me an e-mail (leonard dot pierce at g mail dot com) letting me know you want one, and I’ll reply with the address to send a SASE. Before you know it, you will be enjoying a great tradition of terrible Christmas songs! Participate, won’t you?


Hey, baby, I’d like to do something extra-special for you this Christmas. I thought maybe I’d buy you a big house in the south of France.

Oh, I don’t want to live in France.

Well, why don’t I buy you a big glass-bottomed boat, then, honey?

Oh, darlin’, I don’t want no fish lookin’ up my skirt.

Well, baby, let me ask you: what DO you want for Christmas?

Oh, baby, I just want…a KUNG FU CHRISTMAS.
banana

When in polls my true love goes

If ever I could poll thee, how could it be in autumn? (NOTE: Because of widespread gulps of Haterade, the Monday poll may soon be discontinued in favor of grim cancer statistics. Watch this space.)

Poll #1087452 In pollin' days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking

Do you enjoy the occasional internet freestyle rap battles featured here?

I love them because you are a rhymin' assassin, droppin' rayguns like Jane Wyman.
16(30.8%)
I like them because I am desperate for something to pass the time.
12(23.1%)
I like them because they give me a chance to show the work that you are a sucka punk.
0(0.0%)
I hate them because rap sux.
3(5.8%)
I hate them because they are boring and stupid.
0(0.0%)
I hate them because I do not understand them.
0(0.0%)
I have no feelings about them one way or t'other.
7(13.5%)
I don't even notice them.
6(11.5%)
You are a geek.
4(7.7%)
I am the Last Emperor, and even I think you're a geek.
4(7.7%)

Why don't you come visit me?

I don't want to.
0(0.0%)
I don't like you.
0(0.0%)
I don't even know you.
13(25.5%)
I hate you.
2(3.9%)
You live in San Antonio.
26(51.0%)
You are slovenly.
1(2.0%)
You have a peculiar, unpleasant odor.
0(0.0%)
I am afraid you would make unwelcome sexual advances upon my person.
1(2.0%)
I want to, but not as much as I don't want to.
3(5.9%)
I will, smart guy!
5(9.8%)

Does every question have to be about me?

Yes.
7(13.7%)
No.
2(3.9%)
Maybe.
4(7.8%)
Wait, you mean you, or me?
14(27.5%)
And what...wait, what?
3(5.9%)

How will history judge the Bush administration?

Badly.
1(1.9%)
Horribly.
1(1.9%)
Abysmally.
7(13.2%)
Grotesquely.
0(0.0%)
As the death knell of a once-great nation.
10(18.9%)
You know what? Given how even his fucking OPPOSITION PARTY is too gutless to stand up to him, history might just call him the greatest leader since Abe Lincoln.
14(26.4%)
The odds of there even being a history to judge him grow longer each year he's in office.
20(37.7%)

Which mythological character do you most resemble? Be absurdly self-flattering.