"GOD BLESS AMERICA"
Only someone had, using a sharpened implement, crossed out the "GOD BLESS" with a big X, and
So really, what the bumper sticker read was --
I usually respond with the list below, as well as an admonishment that there is no practical need to call me Fatso three times within a single interrogatory paragraph.
- I thought that I would be a writer full-time, and not have a day job also. In fact, I have done this, but constantly teetering on the brink of poverty when things are slow is a lot less appealing than it was when I was 24.
- I do not, as I thought I would, sit in front of a typewriter all day chain-smoking. Instead, I sit in front of a computer monitor all day chain-drinking.
- My friends are not all sparkling academics who drop bon mots like leaves from an autumn tree. Just most of them.
- I am not married to a sexually rapacious ex-poet, and we do not live in a rattletrap New England manse on the coastline. I live in a duplex in San Antonio and my wife is a huge cockroach.
- Editors have, in the course of my career, valued me less for my daring post-modernist fiction and my uniquely rigorous philosophical insights and more for my knowledge of produce inspection methods and my ability to think of something funny to say about Avenged Sevenfold.
- Not as valued as you might think: being a good writer. Much more valued than you could ever imagine: meeting deadlines.
- I receive a large share of my income from two groups I did not anticipate being so preeminent amongst my clients: businessmen and pornographers.
- Norman Mailer did not live long enough to be defeated by me in a fistfight. I always thought that I’d go first.
- I guess it would be untrue to say that I fantasized about sleeping when I was a lad with a big dream of becoming a writer. But I will say that, had you asked me, I would have said yes, I suppose I will sleep, when that day comes. Nope, I was wrong about that.
- I never thought that I would someday be bylined as a “content provider”. But I’d always dreamed!
- All in all, I am very happy with my career as a professional writer, although it is very different than I dreamed and it turns out that thinking up ideas for books is a lot easier than writing them, and writing them is a lot easier than selling them. Also, my name is not Fatso. I wish editors would stop using it in their correspondence.
2. Did I mention that I will be out of town every weekend for the next six goddamn weeks? What is wrong with me? That is another thing about being a writer, is that sometimes people make you go places and look at things and then write about the things you looked at. What a wacky world.
3. IT’S A KUNG FU CHRISTMAS TIME! As you may know, for the last seven (!) years, I have lovingly assembled a mix of cool and curious holiday songs, and the CD of same is yours for the asking. All you gotta do is leave me a comment or send me an e-mail (leonard dot pierce at g mail dot com) letting me know you want one, and I’ll reply with the address to send a SASE. Before you know it, you will be enjoying a great tradition of terrible Christmas songs! Participate, won’t you?
Hey, baby, I’d like to do something extra-special for you this Christmas. I thought maybe I’d buy you a big house in the south of France.
Oh, I don’t want to live in France.
Well, why don’t I buy you a big glass-bottomed boat, then, honey?
Oh, darlin’, I don’t want no fish lookin’ up my skirt.
Well, baby, let me ask you: what DO you want for Christmas?
Oh, baby, I just want…a KUNG FU CHRISTMAS.
Do you enjoy the occasional internet freestyle rap battles featured here?
Why don't you come visit me?
Does every question have to be about me?
How will history judge the Bush administration?
Which mythological character do you most resemble? Be absurdly self-flattering.