November 29th, 2007

blowhard

Romney: Giuliani has cooties

So, interesting debate last night, don't you think? Some highlights follow.

ON IMMIGRATION

Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani, NY: “Immigration is what made this country, and especially the city of New York, of which I was the heroic mayor on 9/11, great. But it’s perfect now and doesn’t need to get any greater, so there shouldn’t be any more immigrants, especially illegal ones who work for Mitt Romney.”

Rev. Michael D. Huckabee, AR: “I think immigrants should have the right to come to our country and get rich and fat, and then lose a bunch of weight, like I did. Although I am not an immigrant. And although I’m no longer fat, I’m still rich.”

Duncan Lee Hunter, CA: “Hi, everyone! I’m Duncan Hunter and I’m running for President! I come from California, where I am…what? Out of time? Oh, okay.”

John Sidney McCain III, AZ: “Immigrants are human beings just like you and I and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Except for gooks.”

Ronald Ernest Paul, TX: “The only aliens who should be allowed across our borders are my great masters from the planet Zontar.”

Willard Mitt Romney, MA: “Rudy Giuliani is one to talk, because he had like twenty illegal immigrants picking up his used condoms at the publicly-funded Hamptons love nest he maintained while having an affair with his girlfriend. Also, he should go screw himself sideways with a shrimp fork.”

Thomas Gerard Tancredo, CO: “The best approach to illegal immigration is to grind up all Mexicans into a sticky paste and use it to build a gigantic wall for keeping Muslims out.”

Fred Dalton Thompson, SC: “Well, as I said when I played Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in the hit movie The Hunt for Red October, ‘This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.’ And by ‘we’ I mean white people.”

ON THE DEATH PENALTY

Rudy Giuliani: “I am in favor of the death penalty for terrorists, such as the ones I heroically opposed when I was mayor of New York on 9/11. Also for hot dog vendors and black people who might have wallets.”

Mike Huckabee : “I am for the death penalty because some crimes are so heinous that there is no other way to fix them. And apparently I believe that killing people will ‘fix’ murder.”

Duncan Hunter : “I represent the 52nd district, in Riverside, and among other achievements I authored the Parents’ Empowerment Act, which…hey, I don’t think my mic is working. Hello?”

John McCain : “Whichever is the answer that will get me elected President, that’s the one I’m for. If it’s pro-, I think we should execute people for downloading mp3s. If it’s anti-, I think Charles Manson should be mayor of Hollywood. If it’s ‘John McCain should suck shit through a flat cardboard straw’, then prep that shit in a blender, because I want to be President, goddamnit.”

Ron Paul : “As ‘the official candidate of the internet’, I…what? No, I’m not ashamed to say those words in public, why do you ask?”

Mitt Romney : “I am for or against this proposal, proposition or policy.”

Tom Tancredo: “The death penalty should be executed fairly and without prejudice or favor to Negroes, liberals, terror Arabs, homosexual baby-rapists, and homeless people alike.”

Fred Thompson : “Well, as I said when I played FBI Special Agent Dale Grissom in the hit movie Baby’s Day Out, ‘We’re going back to the tick-tock, to get the boo-boo!’ By which, in this instance, I mean executing people is awesome.”

ON GAYS IN THE MILITARY

Giuliani: “I’m in favor of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I would also like to mention that I am 100% man’s man, as should be obvious from my many extramarital affairs.”

Mike Huckabee : “I think our current policy is working just fine. And I am not like those fruity Catholic priests who can’t have sex. I am married with three children.”

Duncan Hunter : “Well, it’s a complex issue that…what? Out of time? I only had like three seconds! Come the fuck on! I…ah, fuck it, I’m gonna go get drunk with Alan Keyes after the debate.”

John McCain : “What happens one balmy summer night between an American soldier and his cruel but handsome gook tormentor is nobody’s business but their own.”

Ron Paul : “Allow me to answer that question by having my deranged supporters shout down any opposition to whatever response I eventually give.”

Mitt Romney : “Whatever Giuliani says, I say double opposites. Some guy told me he was a queer-mo, too, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

Tom Tancredo: “To show my support for the bedrock principles of American conservativism, I will personally beat the shit out of a fag in front of the Capitol building on my first day as president.”

Fred Thompson : “Well, as I said when I played CIA Director John Marshall in the hit movie No Way Out, homosexuals are all damned to suffer eternal torment in the fires of Hell, if you believe the Old Testament. Which I do!”
bad motherfucker

Ugly Rappers R. In Dainja

Ever since Fat Lace dropped the word back in 2000 we’ve known it: rap music is one of the last areas of showbiz where truly ugly people can still make that mayonnaise. But lately, some of the most broke-down grills in hip-hop have been fading away. Peep this:

ODB: dead
BIG PUN: dead
BIGGIE: dead
PROOF from D12: dead
SNOOP: making teenage sex comedies, the sellout bitch
BIZ MARKIE: strickly on the low, retreated to his big-ass Long Isle mansion to play with Barbies
FAT JOE: ever since “Make It Rain” he gets into the clubs for free so he think he ain’t busted no more

This will not stand. Motherfuckers can’t feel they self-esteem having to look at Hollywood pretty on the daily. We need more rappers who seem like they do a mic check by plunging their face into a monitor. We need more guys who started cypherin’ because they was too ugly for the NBA. We need more MCs who spend their royalties on Church’s chicken and menthol cigarettes instead of cosmetic surgery and their own line of cologne.

Guys like…

LI'L' WAYNE. Broham gots a six in the belly, to be sure, but his face looks like he had a bad encounter as a young man with a fish hook and a tasty nightcrawler.

LI'L' JOHN. Considering he's the man who brought grillz into the mainstream, I suspect he's just got some nasty fucked up teeth. Plus he rocks those white-boy style dreads, the kind you get from just not washing your hair for a long time.

IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE. With that molester mustache and the look like he got dropped on his chrome when he was little and when the doctor put him back together he didn't quite line up right, I.T. could be the new Biz, if only he had a sense of humor.

JAY-Z. I hate to bust on the guy, he's a dope rhymer and he makes a fine line of urban streetwear, but he looks sorta like someone ran Biggie Smalls through a pasta machine.

RAHZEL. You mean the Human EAT Box, haw haw! Because he fat, see.

(EDITED TO ADD: Lest I be accused of discriminating in favor of Whitey, I should mention Vinnie Paz of Jedi Mind Tricks, who may be not only the ugliest rapper of all time but perhaps the ugliest anything of all time. Not only is he straight-up gaffle-faced, but all his fans is ugly too.)

Well, fellow babies? Who else needs to go on the Ugly Rappers All-Star Posse Throwdown bonus track?