December 3rd, 2007

three see pee one

The People's Republic of Journalistan

Well, it’s official: in the history of overblown hysteria over decisions made by LiveJournal management, the sale of the company to a Russian internet concern is the overblowniest. While we’re all waiting for the Reds to come shut down our free speech, imprison us for thinking about Harry Potter slash, and end democracy as we know it, allow me to suggest what the glorious future may have in store.

- Five-year plan in which content is taken out of the hands of blogging kulaks and handed over to revolutionary committee headed by formerly blogless serfs.

- Only acceptable LJ icons moving forward will be of Vladimir Putin, Roman Abramovich, and t.A.t.U.

- Frank, the LiveJournal cartoon goat mascot, to be replaced by image of a tractor with smiley-face pin attached to gear shift knob.

- Users in Nevada, Utah and Arizona systematically starved of RSS feeds, are forced to recycle months-old links to survive. Decades later, this period in history becomes known as the Holoblog.

- Surprisingly, level of alcoholism and depression on LiveJournal remains exactly the same.

- LJ Terms of Service are replaced by badly misspelled copy of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion”.

- After widespread user protests, polling feature is reinstated after an initial suspension; however, polls will only be able to contain one option.

- 627% rise in Yakov Smirnoff references.

- Name of company is changed to “Glorious People’s Revolutionary Journal”; still less idiotic than “Insane Journal” and other copycat sites.

- After massive exodus from incipient pogrom of longtime users, MySpace takes advantage of new influx of customers to make site even more annoying, unnavigable and alienating than ever.
i got all the money

He's Unemployed, I'm Bored. Together We Are...THE ORIGINAL ODD COUPLE!

calamityjon: is running an article on "The 20 Most Intriguing Billionnaire Heiresses".
ludickid: Am I on it?
calamityjon: I'll check
calamityjon: Man, what a delightfully 1920s kind of article concept...
ludickid: Well, these are the people who bring you the 'world's richest' wankfest every year. I wish I could say I was surprised that they could FIND 20 billionaire heiresses…
ludickid: Although I bet the Forbes editors may have a different definition of "intriguing" than you and I
calamityjon: I'm pretty sure they just mean "adequately hot."
ludickid: Boy, I...
ludickid: I mean, I don't wanna be one of those "Yuck, Britney Spears, that fat pig" guys, but...there's some serious inbreeding in some of those faces.
calamityjon: Dude, the comments, the comments. "Two heiresses on the list are vying for spots on America's 2008 Olympic team for show jumping." He's using that as an example of how GREAT dilettantes are... WE GOTTA GET BACK THE SHOWJUMPING GOLD
ludickid: I remember this article about Bloomberg's daughter, right, about how she was this amazingly wonderful philanthropist, second only to Mother Theresa, because...SHE STARTED A CHARITY TO HELP UNDERPRIVELEGED KIDS LEARN EQUESTRIAN SKILLS.
calamityjon: BONGGGG
ludickid: Hey, that's SUPER USEFUL! How about we teach them how to use a lance while we're at it? Or how to illuminate a holy text? Maybe, I dunno, how to find a goddamn apartment, after they're done showjumping
calamityjon: It'll come in handy when Batman deputizes all of 'em in Gotham's post apocalyptic future
ludickid: "No need to train me, Bats! I took one of Georgina Bloomberg's classes!"
ludickid: "Then I went home and ate roaches."
ludickid: This fall the passionate equestrian reportedly began working in one of the Bershka fashion stores, stocking shelves and assisting customers while learning the basics of running a mammoth fashion empire.
calamityjon: "reportedly?"
ludickid: Step 1: have your father own the mammoth fashion empire.
Step 2: ?
Step 3: PROFITS!
calamityjon: Aw man, you didn't ...
ludickid: Sorry, man, all the Yakov Smirnoff references are getting to me
calamityjon: See, don't mention the guy's name , he's like Bloody Mary or Candyman. You say Yakov Smirnoff three times, he appears, and is full of bees. BUT IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BEES ARE gnyarrrr gnyarrr
ludickid: I love how much born-on-third-base-thinking-they-hit-a-triple stuff there is on that list. There's all these mentions of their 'accomplishments', like "VP of Blah Blah Company Her Father Owns" or "Marketing Director of Successful Company She Founded With Her Father's Money", WAY TO EARN IT, girls!
ludickid: The daughter of Formula One founder Bernie Ecclestone is an aspiring TV personality.
ludickid: God, I hope she makes it. It'll be such an uphill struggle, but...
calamityjon: There's such a bias in modern day America though, you know? TV stations are all so eager to hire Hispanic and Asian women and leave these poor penniless blonde girls out in the cold.
ludickid: It's true.
calamityjon: I mean, look at all the brunettes on network TV!
ludickid: It's almost impossible for an incredibly wealthy, attractive young blonde woman to make a career for herself.
calamityjon: Katie Couric has dead eyes, just like an Asian hooker, so she's practically a minority.