January 8th, 2008

space geek

And now, another Ludic Syndicate World Exclusive.

BEER, WINE & UNWELL: THE LATEST SELECTIONS FROM

"LIFE'S LITTLE CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Wisdom from the Lips of Our Fathers and Their Drinking Buddies"

(Previous installations of this series can be found here, here and here.)

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"You can get in big trouble at work these days for calling a guy a fruit. Say 'sensitive' instead. Like 'Hey, Steve, you must be really sensitive to get a guy's dick up your ass'. Then you're fine."

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"All of the music today is made by computers. Or the internet."

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"I'll vote for pretty much any rich asshole in a suit, as long as he promises to blow some shit up every once in a while."

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"I believe in destiny. I believe that God meant for each of us to follow a certain path. Like for instance, me? I'm supposed to win the lottery."

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"Changing a tire isn't rocket science. Brain surgery, now that's rocket science. Figuring out how a clock radio works is brain surgery."

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"The ugliest thing you can say is 'cunt'. Wait, no, not 'say', I meant 'be'."

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"If you want people to respect you, you always need to have a hard look in your eyes, like your face just swallowed some rocks."

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"There is a hierarchy of underpants. Boxers at the top, and you goddamn well know it. Then briefs. Then those things that are like both, which you can really only wear if you're a rock star or an underwear model. Banana slings, fuck me, I don't even want to acknowledge the existence of those things."

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"The secret to a happy marriage is constantly reminding your spouse who paid for things."

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"You hear an awful lot about global warming, but how come you never hear anything about subterranean ice fingers? Just because I made it up doesn't mean it should get some heavy-duty scientific scrutiny."

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"The way you can tell if you've had too much to drink is to time the number of seconds it takes for the glass to get from the bar top to your mouth. If, during that time, you've forgotten who you are, where you live, and what the thing is in your hand that's moving towards your face, you shouldn't have more than three or four more."

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"I will defend to the death my right to say something. About you."

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"You can't win 'em all, unless you are the New England Patriots, or Jesus. PATRIOTS, WHOOOO"

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"We need cheerleaders in football, because otherwise, who would be there to reminds us of how much we like tits? I wish they had cheerleaders at my shitty job. And handguns."

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"You get what you pay for. Like, I go to the liquor store and pay for a six of Coors, and then I get it. That's how the economy works and it's called capintolistm."

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"You'd be amazed at how happy you can make your wife in bed using only your mouth. Like, you can say, good job on my shirts, honey."

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"I try to maintain a cheerful outlook, even when I'm shooting some raghead in the guts. Because, hey, it's not me. So it's funny!"

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"Just because you like poetry doesn't mean you're a homosexual. Oh, no, wait – just because you like pottery doesn't mean you’re a homosexual. You're definitely queer if you like poetry. Or pottery."

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"Cigarettes used to give people cancer until they started putting those little labels on the side."

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"My kid tells me that I have a real anger problem, but I tell him, anger is what made this country great. Anger and soybeans."

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"If I had known fifteen years ago that by fighting in the Gulf War, I would come home just to see the country have to go back and chase down that camelfucker all over again, I would have quit drinking and watching hockey games long enough to walk down to the recruitment office and tell them that there was no fucking way I was going to fight in the Gulf War."

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"A stitch in time saves nine. Now there's something that makes not a gddamn lick of sense."

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"You can usually tell whether or not you should listen to someone based on what kind of hat they're wearing. People who wear baseball caps can safely be ignored, unless they're baseball players. People wearing army hats should always be paid attention. You never want to talk to someone in a police hat, but you really have no choice. If your wife wears a hat, tell her to get back to the harvest. You can blow off anyone in any other kind of hat, unless it's a Tom Landry hat, in which case you should perk up, because it might be Tom Landry."

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"There is nothing in this world more profound and wonderful than the relationship between a man and his dog. And don't let your children tell you any differently."

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"I would totally consult with an astrologer if I could find one butch enough."

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"Life is short, and you only live once. These are fine words to remember right after you black out."

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"Racial prejudice is a terrible, shameful stain on our free society, which is why President Reagan ended it in 1982. Now get back to work."
on a steel horse I ride

Tasteful San Antonio: The Quizzening

On my way to lunch, a guy got off the elevator on the 6th floor of my building. He was approximately 5'8" tall, and weighed perhaps 135 pounds. He had long, dark brown, greasy hair, pulled back in a skull-hugging ponytail. He had a beaklike nose and a mild case of adult-onset acne. He was wearing a tan, multi-pocketed safari suit with short sleeves and white pointed wingtip shoes. He sported thin mirrored sunglasses and his collar was open to a robust amount of chest hair. He carried a cell phone, and around his neck was what appeared to be a case for some kind of optical device. He was perhaps 30-32 years old. He spoke to me in a pronounced Brooklyn accent, and said "'Ey, owyadooin."

Poll #1117870 6th Floor Dungeon

What does this man do for a living?

"day trader"
3(6.4%)
mid-tier Mafia hitman
2(4.3%)
bass player at the Tony Orlando Theatre in Branson, MO
4(8.5%)
personal manager of hair metal band who broke the Billboard Hot 100 in 1986
4(8.5%)
tour guide who specializes in "gentleman's clubs"
10(21.3%)
porn movie director
3(6.4%)
porn movie cinematographer
10(21.3%)
porn movie actor
1(2.1%)
I'm sure he has a perfectly respectable occupation, Mr. Judgey
8(17.0%)
other (see Comments)
2(4.3%)
hello?

I love our awesome two-party system

The way that everyone goes on about the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, you'd think they were in the least bit predictive. In fact, in their entire histories, they attain precisely the level of predictive ability when it comes to picking a political party's eventual presidential candidate as would flipping a coin.

In each year since the inception of the modern primary system, each party vote in each state (when not faced with an incumbent or other candidate with no real opposition) has resulted in a 50% success rate in choosing the party's eventual candidate: Iowa Democrats picked Carter in '76, Mondale in '84 and Kerry in '04, but they also chose Muskie in '72, Gephardt in '88 and Harkin in '92. Iowa Republicans chose Dole in '96 and Bush in '00, but they also picked Bush in '80 (over Reagan) and Dole in '88 (over Bush). New Hampshire fares no better despite their longer history: their Democratic voters picked right in '60, '76, '88, '00 and '04 (Kennedy, Carter, Dukakis, Gore and Kerry), but picked wrong in '52, '56, '72, '84 and '92 (Kefauver twice, Muskie, Hart and Tsongas). Their G.O.P. chose correctly in '52, '68, '80 and '88 (Eisenhower, Nixon, Reagan and Bush) but chose wrongly in '48, '64, '96, and '00 (Stassen, Lodge, Buchanan & McCain).

fengi has already done a fine job in explaining why the primary system, like so much of our American democracy, is unfair, distorted and undemocratic, but you'd think that at least its unfairness would get results. But no: it's a completely fucked system, and it only works half the time for all that. God bless Vespucciland.