January 10th, 2008


I'm T.N.T., dynamite


Dear CPAC Diamond Registrant,

We have arranged for two special events exclusively for CPAC Diamond attendees – the ACU White House Policy Briefing and the CPAC Welcome Reception. Please see attached letter and registration form.

This briefing inside the White House’s Eisenhower Office Building will feature top administration officials and will cover a range of issues. This briefing is open only to CPAC Diamond package registrants. The briefing will be held in the White House complex from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Wednesday, February 6, 2008, the day before CPAC opens. To attend, the enclosed form must be received by January 23, 2008. Following the White House Briefing, we will have an exclusive CPAC Welcome Reception for Diamond attendees. The reception will be held at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in the Palladian Ballroom at 7:00 p.m.

Space is limited to the first 180 registrants for the ACU White House Policy Briefing and is exclusively for CPAC Diamond registrants. If you wish to attend the White House Briefing, fill out the enclosed reservation and security clearance form and we’ll reserve your place for this very special event. Once we receive your registration form, a confirmation letter and area map will be mailed to you.

Again, this special White House Policy Briefing is open only to those registered as CPAC 2008 Diamond attendees.

We look forward to seeing you at CPAC 2008!

David A. Keene

Okay, so, I probably won't go to this – I don't arrive in DC until 6PM, and I'm already going to the "Ronald Reagan Diamond Banquet" that night which will have half the G.O.P. presidential candidates answering my questions. I don't really wanna leave a whole extra day early just to get a chance to ask the Secretary of Agriculture a question. But still, it's awfully tempting – the WHITE HOUSE, man. I wonder if the questioning by my fellow "Diamond attendees" will be more along the lines of "Mr. Burns, your campaign has the momentum of a runaway train. Why are you so popular?" or "Jerry, how could you pardon that jackass Nixon?".

And yes, they actually sent me a Secret Service White House Security Clearance questionnaire. It contains such hard-hitting questions as "Middle Initial?" and "U.S. Citizen? Y/N". I AM COMING AT YOU, YOU WILL EXPLODE
flavored with age

in response to assorted queries

Where I will be for the next six godforsaken months:

DATE: February 6-9, 2008
LOCATION: Washington, D.C.
EVENT: CPAC (The Conservative Political Action Conference)
CLIENT: Sadly, No!
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Inducing a seizure in Michelle Malkin

DATE: March 5-15, 2008
EVENT: SxSW Film (The South By Southwest Film Festival)
CLIENT: The Screengrab
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Punching Wes Anderson in the kidney

DATE: March 19-25, 2008
LOCATION: Paris, France
EVENT: Diamond Jubilee anniversary of Le Sexodrome
CLIENT: bugger all
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Forcing manningkrull to get in a fistfight with some pimps

DATE: April 10-13, 2008
EVENT: The Experience Music Project Pop Conference
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Keeping audience for my presentation in a state somewhere in between 'asleep' and 'comatose'

DATE: May 18-21, 2008
EVENT: I.E.E.E. Symposium on Security and Privacy
CLIENT: Processor
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Avoiding questions that will enrage network security nerds who could ruin my credit rating in a nanosecond

DATE: June 12-13, 2008
LOCATION: Alexandria, VA
EVENT: GreenBiz "Green By Design" Conference
CLIENT: New Hope Natural Media
HOPEFUL OUTCOME: Scoring some good weed, driving to Langley, egging C.I.A. headquarters