January 11th, 2008

the one with your name on it

Tasteful San Antonio: The Conversating

I went to the chicken joint last night. I was working on a story, and it was a chicken joint kind of night, you feel me? So in line was me, and this dude (white, bearded, early 50s, biker type) and his scraggedy woman. And then the long-suffering clerk.

Now, while I'm waiting for my chicken, it so happens I'm reading the New York Times, which for some reason flags me as a snob in this town. And it so happens that the front page has a photo of Hillary Clinton, and I am reading a story about her New Hampshire primary win.

So Biker Bob says to me, in a disarmingly friendly voice, "So, do you think Hillary will get the nomination?"

Says I, all sunny and bright and filled with love at the joy of the world as usual, "I dunno! Maybe!"

And Biker Bob says to me, in front of God and everybody: "Well, I guess I better break out my sniper rifle!"

His girlfriend/wife/common-law cousin erupts with laughter. This has been another installment of Life in These United States(c).
sexay sexay

The Year in Porn

I hate to do this to you people but you're not doing much to amuse me today. I therefore present the Top Five Porn Movies of 2007.

#5: THE WIVES OF OTHERS. Audience were stunned by this grimly realistic portrait of the sex lives of East Germans, where key parties would often be interrupted by the secret police and the only chance at happiness might come from a quickie while waiting in line for glue.

#4: BEFORE THE DEVIL GIVES YOU HEAD. This year's standout actor, Fill-up See-more Muff-man, gives an astonishing performance as a man in financial trouble who plans a sex shop robbery that goes horribly awry. Muff-Man also shines in Charlie Wilson's Whore.

#3: THE KING OF DONG: A FISTFUL OF PENIS. A winning documentary about two men with gargantuan generative organs who compete in a legendary showdown involving coin-operated handjob machines. Evokes the golden age of peepshows.

#2: THE ASSFUCKING OF JESSE JANE BY THE PORN STAR ROBERT BLACK. Rarely has a movie so explicitly delivered on the promise of its title than this revisionist western starring two of the hottest names in the business. Watch for Jane's trademarked "Comanche punch".

#1: THERE WILL BE BUTT. The most triumphant and moving pornographic film of the year was the latest from John Thomas Anderson. Daniel Gay-Screwus stars as a man who stands to gain everything, but lose his soul, when he makes a fortune in the wild and wooly days of scented oils.