January 30th, 2008

is this thing on?

One singular jokesation

"Hello again, and welcome to another edition of The Gardening Hour, New York's most listened-to garden show. I'm Lee McKettrick, and I'm glad you've joined us today on WVOX, because we have a very special show: we're going to be discussing ways that a zombie might kill you. From eating you to infecting you with the walking death plague to causing you to run screaming into oncoming traffic, we're going to cover all the bases with our special guests -- zombie movie auteur George Romero; Zombie Survival Guide creator Max Brooks; and Wade Davis, author of The Serpent and the Rainbow. But before we get to them, let's take a call. Mark in L.I.C., you're on The Gardening Hour."

"Yeah, hi, Lee, long-time listener, first time caller. I gotta say first, I love the show."

"Thanks, Mark, we appreciate that. What's your question today?"

"Well, I wanted to know why you never talk about gardening."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I've been listening since about 1999, and I've never heard you talk about gardening."

"I'm not quite sure I follow you, Mark. This is The Gardening Hour. It's a garden show. All we talk about is gardening."

"No, all you talk about is ways that fictional creatures and/or celebrities might kill you."

"That's what gardening is."

"No, see, it's not. Gardening is a sort of small-scale agriculture, where you have the controlled growth of plants for aesthetics or consumption. It's like growing flowers or herbs, putting up shrubs and miniature trees, tending to a lawn, laying in foundation planting, cultivating specific types of foliage, that sort of thing. Whereas you just talk about how a Frankenstein monster could throw you in a well if he wanted to."

"That's not gardening?"


"What is it?"

"I don't know. It's not gardening, though."

"Are you sure?"


"This isn't a crank call?"

"Absolutely not. I love the show. It's just that the closest you've ever come to discussing gardening is when you did that show about how Ringo Starr might kill you, and you said he might stab you in the eye with one of the drumsticks he used on 'Octopus' Garden'."

"That was a great show."

"I know."

"We had Ringo come in to the studio, you know, and tell us how likely it was that he would use the various methods we suggested."

"I know."

"It won an International Radio Broadcasting Award."

"It was a great show. It just wasn't about gardening."

"We have the #1 show in our slot on AM. Did you ever hear the 'How a Space Man Might Kill You' show we did in 2001, after 9/11? It was the highest-rated gardening show in New York history."

"It was inspirational, Lee. It just...there was no gardening content."

"I've been on the air for 13 years."

"Don't change a thing, Lee. Except maybe the name of the show."

"Well, why didn't anyone say anything before now?"

"We all thought you were building up to it."
i don't think so

Goddamn Three

1. I was too busy with a freelance project to watch American Idol last night. What did I miss?

2. Dave Foley was "The Great Throwgali". (Also, "The Great Ventriloquini".) Kevin McDonald was "Throwdini". His lovely assistant? "Throwdetta." Awesome.

3. I'm sure you're all as excited as I am about the album of Tom Waits covers being released by manly-voiced breast-haver Scarlett Johansson. Bur frankly, I've had to wade through a lot of these celebrity vanity projects lately, and the results have been pretty dismal:

- Peyton Manning's album of Minutemen covers, What Makes a Man Get Jock Itch?

- Cliff Burton's One (Singular Sensation), a one-man show in which he performs the entire musical that was being cast in A Chorus Line

- Who Wants To Loan Tommy Paris Five Bucks?, a new VH1 reality show starring the lead singer of Britny Fox

- Schoolly D's experimental novel, Mr. Badass Pimp in the Town of Ghettoes

- Stephen Baldwin's art exhibit, "Portraits of Dudes Who Have Asked Me to Sign Their Skateboards"

- Paris Hilton's directorial debut, What Does This Thing Do You Guys I'm Bored

- Pauly Shore's campaign to become mayor of La Jolla, CA, and rename it "Weaselvania"