February 4th, 2008

it says here...

The Sum Total Of Everything I Have Learned In Life

by Leonard Pierce, age 6

Boy, when someone tells you to _______________________________, they're not kidding!

(a) avoid buying weed from out-of-work drywallers you meet at the bus stop
(b) be careful with the .50-caliber hunting rifle
(c) go easy on the phenyl-cyclohexylpiperidine
(d) not listen to Metal Machine Music in its entirety
(e) observe all warnings about the electrified third rail
(f) step off, you punk-ass bitch
(g) put that thing back in your pants immediately
(h) keep metal objects out of the microwave
(i) make sure you separate whites and bright colors
(j) have one more for the road
(k) pay no attention to the people who call you an alcoholic failure

ENDUT
more good news

FAT GUY GOES CORPZOID

Dear obituary headliners of America,

Please consider the following for when I shuffle off this mortal coil:

- LEONARD PIERCE DIES AT 131 YEARS OF AGE
America Struggles to Care

- BELOVED CREATOR OF "OG", "OUTER SPACE NORTH KOREANS" MOURNED BY NONE

- BACARDI COMPANY TO PAY FOR FUNERAL
'We Just Want to Give Something Back to the Man Who Gave Us So Much', Says Spokesman

- TASK OF SORTING THROUGH PILES OF JUNK TO FALL TO GARBAGEMAN, LANDLORD

- RECLINER, HEAVILY USED, $50 OR BEST OFFER

- AUDIENCE FOR CHECKMATE COMIC REDUCED BY HALF

- SATAN LOOKS FORWARD TO NOT GETTING JOKES