April 8th, 2008

surprise i'm nuts

Shopping from A to Z

As some of you already know, I've been doing my part to make San Antonio a better place to live by purchasing a large plot of land downtown, with the intention of turning it into an upscale shopping mall. I figure the only way I'll get the kind of businesses I like is by bringing them here myself.

I've hired a wonderful East German jungle entrepreneur to run the day-to-day business, and this wonderful Laotian couple I met behind a fish market are coming in to do the architectural design, landscaping and toilet-cleaning. The graphic design and advertising is being handled by Pygfuc, who of course did the hugely successful Salon du Mépris in Lyon and the flagship Taco Fiasco superstore in Kirkuk, and my snappy Homburg is by the Susquehanna Hat Company.

Of course, any mall is only as good as its retailers. I've managed to attract a dozen so far, and I think it's starting to look pretty good, but if you have any suggestions as to what other clients I should court, please do speak up. Here's who I've got so far:

- Candy Colored Cowboy (gay rodeo supply store)
- Gang*Storr (Swedish street gang outfitters)
- Heinrich von Markup's (department store)
- My Kid Could Paint That (children's hardware store)
- Salopard's (Belgian cuisine)
- Cutters (goth hair salon)
- Filthy Stinking Rich (upscale beauty salon & spa)
- Domestic Tire & Battery (auto parts for American cars)
- Just Stirrup Pants (plus-size fashions)
- Catchphrazie's (comedy club)
- Moonchild (New Age bookstore; formerly Cancer)
- Fanny Flags (pocket handkerchiefs in various colors)
- The Livery (high-end liquor store)
cap'n hedgehog reporting for duty

SHIPPED BY TYPING WORDS ON A KEYBOARD BY "FUCKNUCKLO", a service of the American Milk Solids Council

I. ME AND THE SOUR CREAM

How I reacted to some sour cream today:

Me. "That is some moldy-ass sour cream."

Me. "That shit is moldy."

Me. "Moldy like Grampaw's draws, that what that sour cream is."

Me. "It's froze, too."

Me. "Fuck you, moldy-ass frozed-up punk motherfucker sour cream."

Sour Cream. (no response)

II. IDOL

I thrice tried to write up AI tonight, but each time, Word crashed on me. Clearly it was not meant to be. Anyway, it's hard to give a fuck since they don't boot people on "Idol Gives Back" night, and it's a good thing too, because pretty much everybody was dudsville. Even Carly was pretty limp. Although I have to say that Jason "Patchouli" Castro may be the worst AI contestant I've ever liked -- he continues to sort of charm me despite being a white guy with dreadlocks who can't really sing. Plus his wacky performance of "Over the Rainbow" made me think of how much I liked Kat McPhee. If he'd have pulled out a stocking gun and shot self-flattering plutocrat Bill Ford in the stomach after his uke solo, he would have totally won my heart.

III. I LOWBALL YOUR MILKSHAKE

Boy, who loves the DVD release of There Will Be Blood? They spent a whole 29 cents on the packaging! I've gotten instructional videos on how to use kitchen appliances that were better-designed. Good movie, though.
what have i done?

Goodbye, American Woman

No, I mean it. Stay away. I'm honesty fearful for my safety when you're around. Of course I'm serious.

I always say "mama". It's slang. Like "baby". Well, that's your opinion. It's not Freudian.

How is it your door too? I pay for this place. Well, half plus half the utilities. My name is on the lease first.

I don't want to see any part of you, to be perfectly honest. I only mentioned the face first because I'm a gentleman.

Lots of things. I have bass practice, and my antique can collection, and -- well, it's important to me.

Oh, I knew you were going to bring up my being Canadian. This is why we can't communicate


Your shadow. Like, any aspect of you. You say "poetic" like it's an insult. Well, just because you got a B- in English, I...

Of course they can. I've seen it on television. Like, swirly coloured lights. Pinwheels. It was on Carson.


Yes, I said "sparkle"! What's funny about that? You know how old I am. I...what has that got to do with anything? Oh, I don't know...do you think there's something girly about being, uh, a pain in the ass?


I know they're not literally your war machines. But you paid for them. No, we don't have any. We have National Marine Conservation Areas. I don't have to prove it. It's a matter of public record.

Oh, all the sudden I'm the racist. I'm not saying I don't like the ghetto scene because of the people who live in it. They're just dirty, that's all. Yes, go ahead, make fun. We're quite proud of our cleanliness.

It's not you. It's me. Well, partly me. Also you.

Yes, I do have to say it like that. It's for dramatic effect.

No, you leave already!
god bless the internet

Fun with random Wikigroaning

Doing two completely unrelated Wikipedia searches, I noticed that:

(a) the entry for "Houses of Hogwarts" is 24 pages and almost 8000 words long, whereas

(b) the entry for "mass production" is five pages and 1200 words long, and has been marked under Wikipedia guidelines for being too long.