May 6th, 2008


50 Reasons I Can Never Be President

1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much
2. Atheist
3. Ties are uncomfortable
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government
6. Not a millionaire
7. Blood of filthy Mahometan running through veins
8. Have contemplated assassination of president
9. Oppose wars in general
10. Oppose wars in specific
11. Don't have a problem with terrorism per se
12. Think homo queers should be able to get married up
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs
14. Dislike shaking hands
15. Indifferent to the concerns of babies
16. Past activities as anarchist
17. Past activities as communist
18. Own four iterations of Grand Theft Auto video game
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place
22. "Soak-the-rich" tax policy
23. Intemperate comments made at Sadly, No! website
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet
25. Not good at bowling
26. Single
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock
29. Would carry own weapon, dismiss Secret Servicemen, possibly shoot people by accident
30. Proclivity to tell values voters they are stupid
31. Unapologetic elitist snob
32. Postmodernist
33. Relativist
34. Palestinian apologist
35. Own copy of Wayne C. Booth's A Rhetoric of Irony
36. Would appoint Willie D. nation's poet laureate
37. Fat
38. Think religion is embarrassing
39. Too many t-shirts
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves
41. Terrible snoring problem
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight
45. Would abuse power to ensure that White Sox make it to World Series every year
46. Would further abuse power to be starting pitcher for White Sox
47. Would suck as starting White Sox pitcher, necessitating even further abuse of power
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
49. Have no adequate answer for question about brutal slaughter of own wife and kids by furloughed convict
50. Nation would respond poorly to Justice League-based policy platform

Seriously, okay, here is what conservative America is saying today: "Hey, last time we overwhelmingly voted for a multi-millionaire oil executive/Yale MBA who once owned the Texas Rangers and whose dad was the President. What have you got this election?"

"A black guy."


No problem is too intractable to be solved by a short internet poll

Speaking of being president, it has come to my attention that some of you are 'undecided' and don't know who to vote for. This is because you are idiots. However, idiocy is easily solved, by a short series of four-option poll questions. After taking this quiz, tally up your answers, and vote for Obama in the election near you.

Poll #1183740 Mister or Mizz President (Wo)Man 2008

Who do you trust more to have their finger on the button?

The black guy, because they have long fingers
The woman, because women know how to accesorize
The guy who spent three years in a prison camp going slowly insane
What button?

The phone rings at 3AM. It's terrorists. They want to know if now is a good time to blow up America. Who do you want to answer the phone?

The black guy, who's probably not even there because he's out stealing his mom's stereo to buy crack
The woman, who is probably on her lady time and will get all hysterical and crazy
The guy who thinks we can occupy a foreign country we invaded for a hundred years with no casualties
An answering machine

The economy is in the shitter. Who best to fix it?

The rich one
The richer one
The richest one of them all
A hobo

Which candidate best reflects your moral values?

The one whose wife hates America and wishes it would die
The one whose husband got his yang horked by an intern
The one whose wife started a pediatric hospital so she would have a reliable source for the prescription drugs she was addicted to

Assuming you are one of the 80% of the public that's against the war, what candidate do you think can get us out of it?

The one who's actually against the war but who has read William Faulkner so is probably some kind of homo
The one who voted for the war but now says she was just kidding
The one who says we should be in more wars
I think the war is awesome
whats on the tee vee

Amugican Irble

- "Hungry Like the Wolf" is one of the 500 most influential rock songs of all time?

- David Cook is even boring himself. Christ I hate him. Taylor Hicks Triumphant.

- I'm confused by these "Pause" commercials. They seem to be urging teenagers to think twice before they smoke, drink, have sex, dance, wear nylons, put on makeup or go outside when it's dark.

- I wonder if any of these people will ever actually end up in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame like Ryan Toothpaste says. Maybe! Also maybe this bottle cap from my Fiji water will also end up there!

- Oh, man, Syesha is no Tina Turner. But at least she had more fun with this song than David Cook did.

- Wow, a young white kid who likes Bob Marley. Will wonders never cease. I actually think this is Jason Castro's best performance, but that's not saying much.

- There's something indescribably sad about the image of David Archuleta sitting in his room by himself singing "Stand By Me" to a dog.

- On the other hand, way to pander with that "and all you beautiful girls" line. He clammed the penultimate note, though.

- Boy, the commercials tonight are really freaking me out. There was the "grilled cheese will cure your kids of being goth cutters" one, and then the "JC Penney presents: MILFs!" one. What the fuck.

- Ha ha ha, "Baba O'Reilly"! DAVID, YOU DO NOT ROCK. You are to the Who what Rick Springfield is to the Rolling Stones. On the other hand, the "let's cram a five-minute song into 45 seconds" arrangement was pretty hilarious.

- Way to compare your being in the American Idol top four to the civil rights struggle, Syesha. She looks great, though, and this was a pretty fine performance even if it's not a patch on the original.

- MAN JASON HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE LYRICS TO THIS? Even I know the lyrics to it, and I don't really like Bob Dylan! Oh, that's right, because you're high all the time. You're doomed, Jason Castro.

- I think David Archuleta may be functionally retarded or something. I mean, doesn't he seem kind of dim even for a teenager? At this point, anyway, he should win, but he's going to lose to that fucking David Cook. THE END!