May 28th, 2008

smile (thanks erindubitably!)

AND NOW THE LONG-AWAITED RETURN OF TIT BITS

Yes, it's the latest installment of "Tit Bits", my very popular imaginary syndicated column where I give lifestyle advice tips from my years as a staffer at Gentleman's Quarterly. Enjoy!

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People sometimes give me a look when I yell at my 3-month-old daughter to shut up and stop crying, but if there's a better way to angrily tell a child that you're tired of listening to it, I don't know what it is.

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I look forward to the day when all racial prejudice has been banished from the Earth, along with the last of the black people.

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My son came to me the other day worried about the size of his endowment. I reminded him that it wasn't the inches, it was what you bought to compensate for the lack thereof. Then I took him for a ride in my red convertible sports car, and he seemed like he felt better.

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Hey, Harper's Index, I got one for you. PERCENTAGE OF YOU WHO ARE DIRTY COMMUNISTS: 100

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All of my top ten favorite movies of all time start with "National Lampoon's".

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You know who I think would make a great stand-up comedian? Colon cancer. Man, you know that guy's got some stories!

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I learned three valuable lessons from my time in the USAF: first, not to call it the United States Asshole Foundation. Second, "don't ask - don't tell" should be amended to add "don't demonstrate graphically during a Fourth of July Parade". And third, the Air Force and I are talking about very different things when we talk about my dishonorable discharge.

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My kids got me one of those "WORLD'S BEST DAD" coffee mugs, only instead of "BEST" it says "FAT", and instead of "DAD" it says "JACK-OFF". And instead of "WORLD'S" it says "YOU". Still, it's the thought that counts.

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When I'm on vacation, I hate going to those overpriced, overcrowded tourist-trap attractions. But I do it anyway, because my wife hates it even more.

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No matter how much we speculate, I don't think mankind will ever solve the mystery of why that escort agency charge keeps showing up on my credit card bill.