June 11th, 2008

blowhard

Curt Clangbury, Conservative

Skullbucket Media Ventures, Inc. is pleased to announce the arrival of a major new talent to our publishing arm. Curt Clangbury is a cattle futures speculator, cryptozoology enthusiast, and part-time decorative electric fountain salesman in Elmendorf, TX. We first met Curt on Farm Road 327, when he made fun of us for getting a flat tire; since then, his friendship, forceful personality, unique blend of fundamentalist Christianity and hardcore Objectivism, and weekly column, "You Have Failed, Probably" in the Elmendorf Trader-Gazette have made him an important part of our daily lives.

At age 13, Curt Clangbury noticed that some people had opinions, interests and ideas at variance with his own. Ever since then, he has devoted his life to making sure that such people know that he finds them unacceptable and will spend his remaining years on this Earth ensuring that they are ridden out of town on a rail, or out of the country on a boat, whichever is applicable. His angry letters and phone calls to the Government Publications Library and various automated help lines have entertained millions, and his simple and direct political philosophy, in which all problems can be solved by either a standing army, tax cuts, or both, appeals to an increasing cross-section of semi-employable Americans.

Up until summer of 2008, Curt Clangbury was content to let his message get through in his weekly newspaper column and his semi-annual recorded phone tirades to the gas company. But this June, faced with the inescapable prospect of having to not vote for either a woman or a Negro in the upcoming presidential elections, he decided that he needed a wider platform for his timely and well-informed views. We here at the Skullbucket are happy to provide him with that platform, and in the next several months, we will be proud to present some of Mr. Clangbury's essays, opinions and observations, as well as selected excerpts from his forthcoming book, No, I'm Afraid Not: My America.

life of the mind

Past is Pornog

archaica brings to my attention this thread at Marginal Revolution, in which a reader solicits comments on what he should do in the event he is transported back to the year 1000AD.

I find this sort of thing fascinating, because it is both speculative and useless, qualities I highly value in projects on which I expend a lot of thought. Some of the comments are funny and clever, some are pretty moronic, but all certainly set you to thinking. In my case, I very seriously doubt I could accomplish the sorts of things most frequently suggested, given that I lack most practical skills and don't know anything about engineering or applied science. I might be able to make it as a military leader, because I know a lot about strategy and tactics and physically, I would be at least a foot taller than most anyone else I met, but that would still be a ticket to an early grave. I do know a lot about European history, but most of what I could tell people would involve predicting horrible disasters, so eventually I would probably just be shunned or killed. My knowledge of basic hygiene would certainly be useful, but I'm not sure if I could accumulate power and influence just by telling people to wash their hands and not throw shit out the window.

Probably my best hope would be to amass lots of money (first through wagers, then managing small-scale resources, and then through the introduction and master of modern financial instruments), and then by prematurely birthing latter-day concepts like democracy, trade unions, psychology, sociology and certain aspects of Machiavellian politics. I'd still probably either get assassinated or outstripped by my own creations, but assuming I could manage to avoid getting buboes or what have you, I might end up as a widely reviled but begrudgingly respected elder statesman of sorts. Also I would invent baseball.

What about you?
security!

And that's why I'm suing you

COUNT 1: You were wrong when you said "Everything is gonna be all right".

COUNT 2: You went to the Grand Canyon and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

COUNT 3: I bought a can of Axe body spray, and was not molested by a hot model in an elevator afterwards.

COUNT 4: You did know what it was like to love somebody the way that I love you, and you didn't tell me.

COUNT 5: I went to Philadelphia and it rained.

COUNT 6: I got my electric bill after 9/11 just like before.

COUNT 7: You didn't have to squeeze me like you did, but you did, and it hurt me.

COUNT 8: Every time I tried to get out, you pulled me back in.

COUNT 9: You repeatedly misinformed me about the meaning of irony.

COUNT 10: I love my freedom, so I thanked a veteran, and all he did was tell me to go fuck myself.
blowhard

Locking the Barn Door After The Devil Horse Has Already Been Let In: A History of Blacks In America

A TIMELINE, CAREFULLY RESEARCHED AND PREPARED BY CURT CLANGBURY, CONSERVATIVE


c. 1619: Blacks first arrive in America. Historical research has turned up no definitive answers as to why they were brought here, but most people believe that it was a misguided attempt by early settlers to promote "diversity".

c. 1770: The institution of "slavery" is in full bloom, and has the blessing of Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, thus making it exempt from criticism. The specifics of life under "slavery" are vague, but it is known that it taught blacks the value of hard work, prevented shiftlessness, and helped boost the agricultural economy.

1787: Scientists James Wilson and Roger Sherman determine that, genetically, blacks are no more than three-fifths of a human being. It is also around this time that explorers learn that some Arabs and blacks are slave traders, thus allowing future generations to exempt whites from the guilt of buying all the slaves to begin with. (See also: The War on Drugs.)

1808: Madisonian liberals in Congress tamper with the smooth functioning of the free market by outlawing the international slave trade, forcing southern farmers to encourage blacks to breed in a more profitable way. Some believe that mistreatment of slaves began to markedly increase around this time, but it has been proven, vide Paul Craig Roberts, that the antebellum slave's lot was far better than that of a modern white millionaire, as the slave was not subject to taxation.
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