"Baby, making love to you is the best three minutes of my week."
"Can you imagine if we had a daughter, and she was as hot as you? I'd have trouble keeping my hands off her."
"I'm so glad I have you to talk to about all the things that aren't interesting enough to go on my blog."
"You're not just my wife; you're my best friend. With a vagina."
"Sometimes I wish someone would really hurt you so I could kill them."
"You make love like a really skillful hooker."
"I don't deserve a woman as good as you. I deserve a trampy loser like your hot friend Jeanette."
"You look really good in that dress. It was your mom's, right?"
"The day I met you was the happiest day of my life. Way better than our wedding, or the day our stupid kids were born."
"Baby, you're so fine, I barely even need internet porn anymore."