June 27th, 2008

on a steel horse I ride

Tasteful San Antonio: The Dumpening

As I may have mentioned before, my walk from the parking lot to the building where Yellow Rectangular Border Publishing is located takes me through a stretch of Tasteful San Antonio I like to call "Hobo Alley", thanks to the large number of winos ready to put the touch on whoever crosses their path. The entire area is dotted with transient hotels and predatory lenders, right before you get to the glittering jewel that is downtown SATX.

As I know I've mentioned before, these hobos enjoy taking a dump on the sidewalk, a fun activity that makes my commute a wonderland of the senses, especially once summer hits. However, lately, they have also taken to pissing in doorways, which, combined with the frequent pools of vomitus I encounter, makes every morning's stroll a fascinating tour of the human excretory system.

Due to the almost numbing frequency of this exposure, I have taken to using my own system of annotation: "Today was a two-dick day," I might say to a co-worker, or "Not so bad today, Rick*, today was just a one-dump day." No-dick-no-dump days are increasingly rare. Just as I cannot fully account for how fat I have become (although I overeat garbage and drink too much, I feel I can gain ten pounds simply by walking ten feet in this city), I cannot account for the quantity and fecundity of the fecum produced by this city's bum population. I used to live in Chicago, home of five million people, at least half of whom were homeless, and I see more human shit here in a week than I did there for 12 years. It's a goddamn mystery, is what it is. I mean, I have theories, but this post has probably grossed you out enough already.

*: True Fact -- fully 40% of the people I work with are called "Rick" or "Andrea".
banana

Dead People Deathmatch Semifinals!

Yes, this thing hasn't ended yet! I have to say, I'm a bit surprised at how this is turning out; you people are far more into D&D and acid than even I would have guessed. We should see some tough voting this time around, so get at it.


Comedian George Carlin, or musician Bo Diddley?

Carlin
49(64.5%)
Diddley
26(34.2%)
pass
1(1.3%)

Game designer E. Gary Gygax, or LSD inventor Albert Hoffman?

Gygax
32(42.1%)
Hoffman
35(46.1%)
pass
9(11.8%)
god bless the internet

Not Just Another Twit

Boy, this upcoming trip to Los Angeles is going to be ridiculous. Never in my freelance life has an interview subject put so many conditions on the gig, and I'm slightly menaced by the claim that his "people" will be traveling with us during the interview. If I go to prison, remember me as a man who murdered freely and had razor-sharp teeth lining his buttocks.

In other news, you may recall that a while back, much e-hay was made over the fact that representatives of John McCain and Barack Obama had a debate over Twitter. I don't see what the big deal is; George W. Bush has been doing this since 2006.

# 09:36AM: i had grafefruit and English muffins for breakfast. The english are our stonch allies
# 10:10AM: time for my workout
# 10:30AM: i need a drink just kidding j/k
# 11:17AM: did you know condi rice lives with another lady? I wonder if they ever maek out
# 11:22AM: shower time
# 12:41PM: meet w/mike ledeen to discuss iran invasion
# 12:57PM: i showed ledeen my tshirt with a missile going up the ayatollahs but, he said he saw it already
# 1:46PM: im bored
# 2:28PM: took a dump then thought about legacy for a while
# 3:14PM: oh ross will whats her name ever love you
# 5:24PM: shit the wife is home I better look busy
# 7:22PM: lose 4,765th consecutive game of minesweeper
# 8:14PM: jennas husband called me again wanting a job, note to self: find out what justice dept is
# 9:22AM: time for my workout
# 10:47PM: thought about legacy for a while then took a dump
# 11:01PM: SHIT DEAN THEYRE CLOSING THE PINCER WE GOTTA BREAK OUT WHERE IS DEAN WITH THE TANK FUCK
# 11:03PM: i swear to god if dean isn't an american citizen
# 11:52PM: dinner: pickle juice and a lung steak
# 12:04PM: another day without a terror attack, I win again
# 12:24PM: oh maddie will you and that bald guy ever do it