July 27th, 2009

god bless the internet


SITE: CraigsList
Primary Purpose: facilitating exchange of discounted local goods, services, prostitutes
Key Demographic: pimps
Dirty Little Secret: first website to inspire, rather than merely host, a serial killer
Known in Mainstream Media For: replacing the "back page" section of your local alt-weekly

SITE: Friendster
Primary Purpose: punchline for web-savvy 'comedians'
Key Demographic: spambots
Dirty Little Secret: now used only as a gateway to Dogster
Known in Mainstream Media For: still mentioned in stories about social networking despite the fact that it has not been used by actual human beings since 2003

SITE: LinkedIn
Primary Purpose: being furiously updated every time new unemployment statistics are released
Key Demographic: people contemplating suicide
Dirty Little Secret: no one has ever gotten a job through LinkedIn
Known in Mainstream Media For: being the reason why everyone on Earth is now a 'media professional'

SITE: FaceBook
Primary Purpose: allowing your old high school friends to tell you what kind of zoo animal they would be, if they were a zoo animal
Key Demographic: easily amused women who work in cubicles
Dirty Little Secret: sells your personal information to anyone who says it's pretty
Known in Mainstream Media For: being the only social networking site everyone has heard of

SITE: GoodReads
Primary Purpose: allowing denizens of Web 2.0 to be extremely pretentious
Key Demographic: half-educated web snobs
Dirty Little Secret: most popular books are by J.R.R. Tolkien, Tom Clancy, Ayn Rand
Known in Mainstream Media For: 'egghead likes his booky-wook' puff pieces

SITE: LiveJournal
Primary Purpose: providing a semi-safe space for your Harry Potter pornographic stories
Key Demographic: teenage Russian masturbators
Dirty Little Secret: heavily infiltrated by pro-Putin fascist youth gangs
Known in Mainstream Media For: where the whiny, overdramatic elite meet to excrete defeat

SITE: MySpace
Primary Purpose: giving a viable web presence to Chillicothe, OH's finest powerviolence bands
Key Demographic: call girls
Dirty Little Secret: no one actually has any idea how MySpace works
Known in Mainstream Media For: being referred to with "the" at the beginning by out-of-it news anchors

Primary Purpose: dating website for people who claim they're not interested in dating websites
Key Demographic: web users too timid to use Adult Friend Finder
Dirty Little Secret: users occasionally overestimate their own physical appearance
Known in Mainstream Media For: adorable name

SITE: Twitter
Primary Purpose: encouraging America's vocabulary and attention span to become even smaller and shorter
Key Demographic: publicists
Dirty Little Secret: THE_REAL_SHAQ is not the real Shaq
Known in Mainstream Media For: overthrowing government of Iran

SITE: Yelp
Primary Purpose: extorting small businesses out of free merchandise
Key Demographic: urban cheapskates
Dirty Little Secret: privately referred to as "the Worser Business Bureau"
Known in Mainstream Media For: not known in mainstream media
peace out


As you may recall, my previous DJ name -- DJ Proper Cuts -- turned out to be already in use by a dude in Boston. Since I have a new gig coming up in August, I need to select a new one. I was joking with hipsterdetritus that I'd just pull it randomly from TV Tropes, which turned out to be a pretty good idea.



Which of these do you like best as a DJ name?

DJ America Saves The Day
DJ Curb Stomp Battle
Education Through Pyrotechnics
DJ Ferris Wheel of Doom
DJ Instrument of Murder
The Radio Dies First
DJ Violence is the Only Option
DJ You Are Too Late
To Defeat the DJ, I Must Become the DJ