July 27th, 2009

god bless the internet

YOUR GUIDE TO SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES

SITE: CraigsList
Primary Purpose: facilitating exchange of discounted local goods, services, prostitutes
Key Demographic: pimps
Dirty Little Secret: first website to inspire, rather than merely host, a serial killer
Known in Mainstream Media For: replacing the "back page" section of your local alt-weekly

SITE: Friendster
Primary Purpose: punchline for web-savvy 'comedians'
Key Demographic: spambots
Dirty Little Secret: now used only as a gateway to Dogster
Known in Mainstream Media For: still mentioned in stories about social networking despite the fact that it has not been used by actual human beings since 2003

SITE: LinkedIn
Primary Purpose: being furiously updated every time new unemployment statistics are released
Key Demographic: people contemplating suicide
Dirty Little Secret: no one has ever gotten a job through LinkedIn
Known in Mainstream Media For: being the reason why everyone on Earth is now a 'media professional'

SITE: FaceBook
Primary Purpose: allowing your old high school friends to tell you what kind of zoo animal they would be, if they were a zoo animal
Key Demographic: easily amused women who work in cubicles
Dirty Little Secret: sells your personal information to anyone who says it's pretty
Known in Mainstream Media For: being the only social networking site everyone has heard of

SITE: GoodReads
Primary Purpose: allowing denizens of Web 2.0 to be extremely pretentious
Key Demographic: half-educated web snobs
Dirty Little Secret: most popular books are by J.R.R. Tolkien, Tom Clancy, Ayn Rand
Known in Mainstream Media For: 'egghead likes his booky-wook' puff pieces

SITE: LiveJournal
Primary Purpose: providing a semi-safe space for your Harry Potter pornographic stories
Key Demographic: teenage Russian masturbators
Dirty Little Secret: heavily infiltrated by pro-Putin fascist youth gangs
Known in Mainstream Media For: where the whiny, overdramatic elite meet to excrete defeat

SITE: MySpace
Primary Purpose: giving a viable web presence to Chillicothe, OH's finest powerviolence bands
Key Demographic: call girls
Dirty Little Secret: no one actually has any idea how MySpace works
Known in Mainstream Media For: being referred to with "the" at the beginning by out-of-it news anchors

SITE: OKCupid
Primary Purpose: dating website for people who claim they're not interested in dating websites
Key Demographic: web users too timid to use Adult Friend Finder
Dirty Little Secret: users occasionally overestimate their own physical appearance
Known in Mainstream Media For: adorable name

SITE: Twitter
Primary Purpose: encouraging America's vocabulary and attention span to become even smaller and shorter
Key Demographic: publicists
Dirty Little Secret: THE_REAL_SHAQ is not the real Shaq
Known in Mainstream Media For: overthrowing government of Iran

SITE: Yelp
Primary Purpose: extorting small businesses out of free merchandise
Key Demographic: urban cheapskates
Dirty Little Secret: privately referred to as "the Worser Business Bureau"
Known in Mainstream Media For: not known in mainstream media
peace out

CUT CREATOR!

As you may recall, my previous DJ name -- DJ Proper Cuts -- turned out to be already in use by a dude in Boston. Since I have a new gig coming up in August, I need to select a new one. I was joking with hipsterdetritus that I'd just pull it randomly from TV Tropes, which turned out to be a pretty good idea.

So:

Poll #1435889 DELETE THE SELECTAH

Which of these do you like best as a DJ name?

DJ America Saves The Day
7(10.8%)
DJ Curb Stomp Battle
9(13.8%)
Education Through Pyrotechnics
7(10.8%)
DJ Ferris Wheel of Doom
4(6.2%)
DJ Instrument of Murder
2(3.1%)
The Radio Dies First
7(10.8%)
DJ SPY VS. SPY
16(24.6%)
DJ Violence is the Only Option
3(4.6%)
DJ You Are Too Late
2(3.1%)
To Defeat the DJ, I Must Become the DJ
8(12.3%)