November 6th, 2009

i own you peasants

I AM big. It's the businessmen that got small.

People sometimes ask me, “Leonard, if you’re so smart, why don’t you run your own business?” Except they leave out the part about me being smart. My answer is multifaceted.

1. I do run my own business; I am a freelance writer. Just because I don’t have any employees doesn’t mean it’s not a business; just ask the IRS. Er, actually, on second thought, please don’t ask the IRS, or even mention my name around them.

2. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas about running my own business; it’s just that they’re all stupid. I tend to judge ideas I come up with for new products not by how well they would sell, but by whether or not they are hilarious.

3. My own personal prejudices interfere with most of the skills one needs to run a business. I am bad with money, I don’t like telling people what to do, and I get along poorly with others, all of which are essential skills for running a business; more specifically, my occasional urges to open up a bistro are stymied by my logistical deficiencies, and I always think it would be fun to run a bar, but the older I get, the less I relish the idea of staying up until 4AM every day.

4. Most of the businesses I would be interested in starting are guaranteed money-losers (starting a magazine, opening an independent bookstore, running a small press) or so abstract they would be unlikely to attract customers.

5. Being my own boss would mean working more, not less.

All that said, if you have a good idea for a small business, and are interested in 'partnering' with me, please PayPal a large sum of money to leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com, and I promise to spend some time at a tropical resort hotel thinking about your idea.