June 11th, 2010

say whaaaaa?

So many Qs, so few As

Q.: What do I have to do tomorrow?
A.: Watch the World Cup, interview a famous singer lady, watch some more World Cup, work on comics.

Q.: What was up with that freaky noise my car's air conditioner was making the other day?
A.: It wasn't the air conditioner. I just had a window partly open.

Q.: Speaking of air conditioning, why don't more people hang out at your house?
A.: Because of my diffident attitude towards air conditioning.

Q.: What was that bloody remnant on the floor of your game room from?
A.: Beats me. Something the cats killed.

Q.: How many famous singer ladies are you interviewing this month?
A.: Three.

Q.: If you were to submit one agency's name in evidence of the concept of "bureaucratic inefficiency", what agency would it be?
A.: The Texas Workforce Commission.

Q.: Speaking of government agencies, do you find it interesting that people in the armed forces, who relentlessly celebrate their own service, are often the first to denigrate other government service agencies?
A.: "Interesting" is one way to describe the way I feel about that phenomenon.

Q.: How did you gravely injure your finger?
A.: I have acquired a new hobby of building model landscapes. This hobby involves the use of razor blades, and I am clumsy, old, left-handed, and frequently on the dope. As a result, I slashed my right index finger open and lost about six gallons of blood.

Q.: Does this wound require stitches?
A.: Like it was some snitches.

Q.: Do you have health insurance?
A.: No.

Q.: You know all the concern trolls who pretend that they are worried about fat people not because they think fat people are gross, but because they claim to worry about the social cost of obesity?
A.: Sure.

Q.: Do you ever wonder if it comes as any relief to them that a lot of fat people are poor and thus will simply die young because they can't afford to seek medical attention?
A.: I imagine that it is a great comfort to them.

Q.: While we're on the subject, by whom do you enjoy being lectured to about being fat the most?
A.: People who smoke.

Q.: What is your favorite thing about healthy people?
A.: How they will never die.

Q.: What is your second favorite thing about them?
A.: How their good health is entirely a result of their own virtue and strength of will.

Q.: Aside from slicing your finger open with X-Acto knives, what is the most satisfying thing about your new hobby?
A.: The chance to visit hobby stores, where the typical customer -- a short, slightly overweight white woman in her mid-50s -- looks at me like I am an escaped zoo animal.

Q.: What do you smell like these days?
A.: A pure, pristine tropical beach in the South Pacific, on the two days of the week I actually leave the house. The rest of the time, something significantly worse than that. Imagine Danielle Rousseau, from Lost, and how she lived in a tiny shack on the beach for sixteen years with no soap, very little fresh water, and no compelling reason or means to engage in basic hygiene; then imagine instead of Rousseau in that situation, it was Hurley.

Q.: You like talking about yourself, don't you?
A.: Sure. Doesn't everybody?

Q.: Did a bunch of commenters at the A.V. Club get mad this week when the site ran an article containing the phrase "meet cute" and furiously accuse us of coining a self-impressing neologism, even though the phrase "meet cute" dates back about 75 years and was coined by a man who has been dead since 1947?
A.: Yes, that happened.

Q.: Anything else?
A.: You tell me.