August 3rd, 2010

stick it in your ear

New York Review of Cranks

I am an old man who will die childless and leave the world worse off than when I entered it. Because of this, I have the need to be occasionally reassured that humanity is, on the whole, composed of horrible people who don't deserve to have anything good happen to them ever. To service this need, I craft Yahoo! News alerts around various subjects: black people committing crimes; women accomplishing things; gay marriage; and, of course, anything at all involving Muslims.

Why these subjects? Because they are the ones that attract thousands of angry comments from people who reassure me that I am right to do nothing to help mankind. After reading them, I remember that human life is just a mistake, and I can go back to eating Rainier cherries and getting stoned on beaches with absolutely no guilt that I am a non-contributing zero. Don't believe me? Let's watch.

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