August 15th, 2010

deep in the heart

Coincidentally, this was also the plot of my favorite "Muppet Babies" episode

Goodness knows we live in a complicated world, and, as a simple crafter of internet distractions, I cannot be expected to keep up with the many-hued issues of the day. But that is why we have elected officials, to explain them to us in terms we can understand. And lucky for me, I live in Texas, where the state's representatives are extra-helpful in this regard.

Naturally, like all Americans, I am super-concerned with this vital and not at all completely made-up issue of terrorist babies, and because I am not some kind of America-hating cynic, I do not believe even a little bit that it is part of a stealth campaign by the Republican party to erode confidence in the 14th Amendment in order to prevent the proliferation of brown people.

My only concern is, are we going far enough? Sure, with diligence and a determination not to let ourselves be distracted by all those people who are laughing at us, we could defuse the threat of terror infants. But what of terror toddlers, who snuck through our porous borders with their evil faces covered by a puffy vinyl Baby Einstein book about things with wheels? They are just the right size to have a three-foot replica of themselves sculpted out of gelignite. What about terror children, inserting the words "wudhu" and "dhimmi" into their nursery rhymes and Dr. Seuss books? Could there be a wave of terror adolescents roaming the country, their rage fueled by hormonal confusion and hatred of Zionism? And I dare not even contemplate how many terror teens there must be in America, with their haircuts and fancy jeans, and their music that is just noise, smoking cigarettes in parking lots and making fun of their elders. As Reps. Riddle and Gohmert make clear, just because there's no evidence it's happening doesn't mean we shouldn't be totally freaked out about it.