February 3rd, 2011

god bless the internet

Hello the Internet I Love You: The Yahoos of Yahoo!

Everybody likes being right, but sometimes being right is a lot more like a severe depressant than an ego boost.  Such is the case with today’s look at the world’s widest web:  I have always maintained that, even in comparison with such internet sewers as IMDB and YouTube, the comments sections on Yahoo! News are the best proof anyone might want that, of all the ways it has changed society, the primary impact of the internet has been to shatter the illusion that the vast majority of the population does not consist of morons.  Yahoo!, whose commenters take the site name all too seriously, is so bad that I have made the claim that you can pick any news story on any subject completely at random, and not only will the first ten pages of comments contain statements that would make Joseph Goebbels join a monastery, but the very first page will feature someone saying something you would never consider repeating in decent society.

The thing is, I always intended this more or less as a joke.  But recently, housebound by bad weather and unemployed, and obsessed with the peoples’ struggle in Egypt, I found myself reading more news than usual, and I decided to actually test my theory, and it turns out, I was completely right.  You can literally pick any story about anything and the comments section is almost immediately infested by goons, salivating over everything as if web architecture were made out of steak, and raving on and on about their insane causes or paranoid fantasies whether or not they actually have anything to do with the topic of the article.  Take, for example, this article.  It’s pretty innocuous by news standards — it’s about a crime, but not a particularly violent, senseless or stupid one; it doesn’t involve terrorism, black people, or Mexicans (to name three typical triggers for a commenter moron tsunami); it’s apolitical, it doesn’t take place in a foreign country, and it doesn’t involve women, homosexuals or the mentally disabled in any obvious way.  It’s in every way a generic piece of news reporting, of an arrest in a major but uncontroversial crime.  And yet, and yet:  scroll down to the very first pace of comments, and watch the assholes expand, release and contract.

it was harry reid.

Obama wants 1/2 the chips to redistribute to deadbeat theives and unemployed gamblers.

Probably Nancy Pelosi upset about the tax extensions

My guess it was one of Harry Reid’s union thug buddies picking up some payola under the guise of a casino robbery.

So your government prints TRILLIONS in counterfeit money and you peeps get excited about chump change like this?

An armed bandit in Vegas? Must be Harry Reid. I for one, will never go to Vegas again after those nutty people re-elected him.

It was probably Senator Henry Reid. He’s the biggest thief in Nevada.

In the old days the suspect would be found out in the desert with a bullet hole behind his ear—- now the just call their insurance agent and PR man. Sure miss the good old days!

he on his way to dc to pay down the usa debt to china a god fearing american patroit

I keep reading “he”,I see a person wearing a helmet.I don’t see any facial features.I see a heavy black leather jacket again no body features,  How do we know this isn’t a woman in disguise?

Who owns the casinos/ and Vegas itself? The Illuminati.They will find this robber and bury him in a sand dune.

You yahoo censor nazi’s make me sick! stinkin ghestapo!

What about the real lcrooks in Washington DC ? We know who they are and yet they continue. None better than our own Harry Reid. What a bas tard scum bag crook he is and the brown skins voted 99 % to put him back in office last November. Shame on all of us.

$8.0 Billion of “Pork” or the nicer word “Earmarks” in today’s Omnibus spending bill ($1.1 Trillion) to keep the government going. $300,000 to control pig crap in North Carolina, $300,000 for Polynesian Juice study, $300,000 for some Potato bug in Wisconsin and the list goes on and on with the idea that none of you will notice $300,000 in the government..This Bellagio guy is small time. The real thieves are in DC stealing your money right now when we just had an election screaming at them to stop spending our money!!!!

I guess he was just taking back HIS money from the big, bad, greedy rich casino – like, redistributing the wealth; kind of thing! Following Obama’s plan, as it were! A very good Democrat, I bet!

..he is to make double compensation. Exodus 22:4  From the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures, the inspired word of Jehovah God.

Start firing the lazy security bums. They are probably in on it. Eyes in the sky and cat walks and they let some punk lift 1.5 big ones. That guy will be a desert dart for sure….Get some real security not some outsourced rent-a-pigs

Another silly dimocrap tries to strike it rich.

Was he hispanic or………

Even the large denomination chips can be laundered. Some Chinese or Arab dude will be happy to pay 50% on the dollar.

it was an illegal muslim that robbed them lol

As a retired pit boss and former Naval Green Beret kaptain with a 4th degree black belt in Judo I would like to have just 5 minutes alone with this guy in a locked room.

just like Capone said jack-booted-thugs

Where was Obama

OSKAR GARCIA — You’re not Jewish…who the hell did you get an article published? Congrats.

google chemtrails. planes are spraying the air you breath. why dont they evaporate? because its metal.

I think the bandit was Harry Reid. Afterwards, he gave the chips away to crack hores, ACORN and Juan.

Sounds like a hispanic name.

Them EYE-tah-lians are a real hoot, ain’t they?

The son of a judge? I wonder if the judge supported Reid in the last election and if his son is an independent actor or part of a group that just didn’t have the luck that others have had. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find if he is also a union worker or a strong Obama supporter?

God this thief was dopey! Must be a liberal!

They should call this the The Obama Heist cause it sounds like something only a person with half a brains like Obama would do.

Daddy should give him 10 years for stupidity next 300lb Tyrone.

if you have three people standing around can you tell which 2 are democrats. answer the one reaching into ones pocket and handing it to the other person who will take it with a smile on his are hers face

Looks like Obama has a running mate…must be from Chicago!

Suspects name is Carleo fathers name Asaad ?Arab trying to be wannabe Italian.

life isnt good if you care about the rape,murder,and the cost of you illegal aliens,third world brain dead trash

His father is assad????? No records of his drug dealing?? Time to put this piece of s**t away !!!!

Assad isnt a “whitey” name retards. But it is a typical filthy muzzie name.

Muslims are the devils tools.

Why do greazey Arabs attempt to pass themselves off as Italians? His real last name is Assad. This isn’t the first time that I’ve seen this happen. I have a friend that’s Italian and watched her confront a guy at a bar regarding him telling her that he was Italian. When she got in his face he smiled and said that he was only joking and that he was really Persian. Persia has been gone long before this fool was born and she said “Persian? Are you a fuC&*% cat or a rug?” He said “Neither, I’m Iranian.” Too F’ ing funny!

Just another dirty “Assad”….

lol stupid. the illegals steal millions a day from the american people why isnt anything being done?

with a name like that he’s gotta be a terrorist rape him then hang him

Add this to about six billion Ocean’s Eleven jokes and a bunch of “who cares?” comments (a.k.a. the absolute dumbest thing you can write on the internet), and you pretty much get the idea.  Go ahead:  check any Yahoo! news story.  About football, about a dog show, about the weather, anything.  And see if you don’t get the same result.  Stay just the way you are, internet.

(Oh, and if you were wondering ‘Aren’t there a bunch of crazy liberal comments on there too?’, the answer is yes.  They’re the ones found under the heading “COMMENT HIDDEN DUE TO LOW RATING”.)



B List: Crime is On Your Side, Yes It Is

Crime is perennially at the top of polls regarding what voters worry about the most.  With the upsurge in terrorism, the advent of cyber-crime, and organized crime taking on a new international flavor, people are not only concerned about crime, but they seem to have new crimes to worry about all the time.  But amongst all the darkness, there is a ray of light and hope:  recently disclosed reports from the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal that while criminals are constantly on the prowl for new activities, some crimes have been so successfully prosecuted that they’ve made what the FBI is calling the ‘extinct crimes list’.  Here are just a few.

1.  REGICIDE.  King-killing was already on the decline, with a mere eight in the entire 20th century; that trend has continued into the 21st, with only King Birenda of Nepal slipping through the cracks.  Thanks to law enforcement vigilance, royalty has never been more safe.

2.  IMPRESSMENT. As the pressing of American sailors into service of the British Royal Navy was a major factor in the tensions leading up to the War of 1812, the crime of forcing people to serve against their will in the armed forces may stand as the only one ever eliminated by a war.

3.  SIMONY. Similarly, the buying and selling of indulgences, having been invented by the Catholic Church, remains the sole sin ever completely eradicated by the Catholic Church.  Good lookin’ out, Popes.

4.  HIGHWAY ROBBERY. Although largely eliminated in its armed-horseman-robbing-coachmen-of-their-goods variety, it remains a persistent problem in its paying-three-bucks-for-a-jumbo-Slim-Jim-at-a-Flying-V-station variety.

5.  LÈSE MAJESTÉ. This crime disappeared completely along with the death of the last remaining public official with a sense of decency, somewhere around 1946.

6.  RAPE. Though it’s still considered a problem in many Third World nations, our Republican Party is working hard to make sure it’s not a big deal here in America anymore.

7.  SLAVE ABUSE. Similarly, by abolishing slavery, Abraham Lincoln single-handedly wiped out the grim perils of slave abuse, and turned it into worker abuse, which is punishable by a fine at worst.  The re-emergence of slavery in the form of the sex trade doesn’t count because you can’t rape a whore.

8.  MISPRISION, PRAMUNIRE FACIAS & CRIMINAL CONVERSION. All three of these were stricken from the criminal codes when, during a 1979 FBI conference, no one could adequately explain what any of them were.

9.  DRESSING UP IN A BLACK CLOAK AND HAT, GROWING A HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE, AND TYING A YOUNG WOMAN TO TRAIN TRACKS. This is still technically illegal, but thanks largely to a shrinking dependence on commuter rail travel, it is almost never seen.

10.  CHICKEN THEFT. Thanks to tireless efforts by the law enforcement community to get the word out that chickens are in great supply and that there is, consequently, no market whatsoever for black market chickens, chicken theft rates are down an astonishing 280,000% in this century.


stick it in your ear

And Now We’re Gonna Waste YOU!

I have appeared on a brand new episode of everyone’s favorite drunken podcast, Wasted Words, and shit gets epic!  RJ White, Olivia Todd, Mike Riggs, and Shek Baker are forced to listen to me voice my obnoxious irony about celebrity culture.  Also, there is long-vanished candy, soda pop, crazy people in various media, and yet another mention of The Facts of Life.  If you stay until the end, you’ll witness an astonishing and completely meaningless coincidence that links that show and Deadwood.  You can tell your grandchildren you were there.