December 26th, 2011

hail to the chump

A Dozen Ways of Answering Vanity

1.  EVASIVE:  Do you think you’re a nasty girl?

2.  DEMOCRATIC:  All right, everybody, let’s get a show of hands.  If you think she’s a nasty girl, raise your hand and say ‘aye’.

3.  PSYCHOLOGICAL:  It’s not really important whether or not I think you’re a nasty girl.

4.  SOCIOLOGICAL:  Just because society thinks you’re a nasty girl doesn’t mean that you have to accept that you’re a nasty girl.

5.  FEMINIST:  For God’s sake, you’re not a girl.  You’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions about whether or not she’s nasty.

6.  PRINCE:  I don’t think you’re a nasty girl.  I know you’re a nasty girl.

7.  PSYCHIATRIC:  People who have been diagnosed as being nasty girls have frequently gone on to lead rich, productive lives.

8.  NIETZSCHEAN:  It is not enough merely to think one’s self a nasty girl.  One must become a nasty girl through a terrifying effort of sheer will.

9.  DIPLOMATIC:  Thinking that you’re a nasty girl in no way reflects on other nasty girls and what I might think of them.

10.  POLITE:  I wouldn’t go as far as to say “nasty”.  Slightly naughty, maybe.

11.  PARANOID:  Regardless of whether or not you are a nasty girl, that does little to explain who has been stealing my shoes, and why.

12.  REALISTIC:  Yes.