To honor my conceivably half-Irish ancestry, I offer these suggestions of what you can do to make the holiday a memorable one.
1. Drive all the non-Christians from your neighborhood using a cudgel. If anyone asks about it later, say they were snakes, not people.
2. Arrange for your rich neighbor to steal all your food. Become very, very hungry and move to another continent to get a job as a policeman.
3. Write a dense, complex, brilliant novel that defines an entirely new approach to literature and which will be highly praised, but not widely read or influential. Follow it up with an impenetrable work that no one can understand or even read other than yourself.
4. Engage in a lengthy bombing campaign against your wealthy, food-stealing neighbor. Keep sending him letter and pipe bombs until he agrees to remove his freeloading cousin from the spare room in your attic. Arrange for a mediocre, widely overhyped rock band from your home town to write a song about how tragic this all is.
5. Come to my apartment and help me eat all the leftovers from the St. Patrick's Day party I had on Saturday.