Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

God, I'm lonely

I just got a spam in my mailbox from "DOCTOR FREE DRUGS". Now, I know it's supposed to be "doctor-free drugs" (that is, it's an online pharmacy where you can get prescription drugs without a doctor's permission), but I immediately read it as "Dr. Freedrugs".

Dr. Freedrugs wears Nehru jackets, wellingtons, and Mardi Gras beads all year long. He drives an imported British sports car and has a home in southern California that's up on stilts. He vaguely resembles Hunter S. Thompson. He comes from a small town outside of Pittsburgh, and got his medical degree in 1963. He's all-American, but his first name is "Anton". His really good friends call him "Tony", and several of them are into amateur porn. He prefers his special ladies not to shave their pussies, but he does enjoy a bleached anus. Despite his habit of dispensing free drugs, he is very wealthy, his only major expenses being alimony payments to his ex-wife (an aging soap opera star) and taking care of his elderly mother. When he meets you, he doesn't say hello, he just smiles (his mouth slightly open) and waggles his eyebrows. He has never been arrested but has tons of speeding tickets. He owns a lot of LPs with "mellow" in the title. His hobbies are raquetball, painting, and golf, and when he was young, he was a promising tennis player before he blew his knee out. He never had children, but his sister's kid runs a side business selling fake IDs and Quaaludes and Dr. Freedrugs dotes on him. Dr. Freedrugs does not believe in any new age religions, but he nonetheless thinks they're "groovy". He likes women with orange tans, yellow teeth and mini-dress/sweater combos that display the wearer's astrological sign. He hopes that he will die fucking.
Tags: junk
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