(a) I am an old man with rickety knees?
(b) I am too fat?
(d) Brother Voodoo?
(e) Brother Power the Geek?
2. Apparently there was an earthquake near Chicago yesterday. I didn't notice a thing. That could be one of our civic slogans: "CHICAGO! The city where you don't notice earthquakes." Take that, Bay Area! Other possible civil slogans:
(a) "CHICAGO! Slowly replacing urine with chocolate as the official municipal scent."
(b) "CHICAGO! No longer leading the nation in child murder."
(c) "CHICAGO! City of lots of brilliant artists who make it big and then leave."
(d) "CHICAGO! The city where you're pretty safe from terrorism because no one knows we're here."
(e) "CHICAGO! Home of Leonard Pierce's creaky knees."
3. HA HA CUBS, YOU CAN SUCK IT