COSTUMES! There's not as many costumes as at a sci-fi con, but there's still a bunch of people wearing skin-tight outfits who shouldn't be wearing skin-tight outfits. Who was today's winner? The crowd of rail-thin Matrix goths into which we accidentally stumbled? Midget Galactus? Emaciated Hunchback Dark Phoenix? Ex-Porn-Star She-Ra? Dinner Jacket Ninja? There's so many to choose from!
SMUT! Where to start? In addition to all the horrid small-press comics which seem to exist to fill that niche market of people too pathetic to have girlfriends but not brave enough to actually buy porn (such as Naked Biker Chick Comics, Hot Asian Chick Comics, and Satanic Vampire Chick Comics, also known as Verotik), there's also booth after booth of guys selling sticky pages of emaciated-yet-big-breasted underage girls! And that's just the Marvel pavilion!
CRIME! In an exciting new development since the last time I attended one of these geek clusterfucks, apparently there is now a brisk trade in counterfeit collectibles, gray-market quasi-official t-shirts, and especially bootleg DVDs. If you're looking for hard-to-find Japanese soft porn flicks, super-hero-themed TV shows that will never be officially released, or feature films illegally burned by an overweight adult acne sufferer with a DivX ripper and a Green Lantern t-shirt, Wizard World is the place to be!
SWAG! Sure, I'm writing articles and researching a book (with the fancy-ass PRESS PASS I got!), but I'm also here to blow my coke money on ridiculous junk! Like what? Like the typo-ridden press kit, for one. But also like a shitload of bargain-basement HeroClix! Like the Star Wars Christmas Special and the Rolling Stones' Cocksucker Blues on totally not legal DVD boots! Like a cheap Fantastic Four TPB! Like some role-playing stuff I will never use because none of my friends will role-play with me! Like a bunch of funny mini-comics by the lovely and charming Spike at the Modern Tales table (who, by the way, has a girl-crush on calamityjon, I think)! Like OH MAN THIS IS A SUPER SCORE ALL RIGHT a 1976 DC Super Calendar that not only has swank Neal Adams art, but also lists the fucking birthdays of all your favorite DC superheroes! Like for example today is the day that Steve Trevor's plane crashed, and tomorrow is the anniversary of Supergirl adopting Streaky the Supercat, and Sunday is the birthday of the legendary Ral Benem, the Chlorophyll Kid, of the Legion of Substitute Goddamn Heroes! NOT ONLY THAT but the dates in 1976 are the same as the ones in 2004, so I can totally use this thing! For four months!
SUPERSTARS! Want to meet someone famous? It's your choice! Do you stand in line for nine hours to get a twenty-dollar autograph from megastars like Brian Michael Bendis and Jim Lee? Or stand in line for six hours to get a ten-dollar autograph from normal stars like Joe Quesada and Kelly Hu? Or stand in line for four seconds to get a five-dollar autograph in the last row by the emergency exits from unbelievably bored 60-year-old has-beens with suicidally vacant stares like Erin "Long in the Tooth" Grey, Marc "Near Death" Singer and Richard "I Had One Line In 'Star Wars' and Died" LeParmentier? What to people say to these guys?!?
LEAVE! It's the best part of the day!
So, anyone wanna hook it up tomorrow? thevulgartrade? rollick? Drop me an e-mail tonight and I'll shoot you my phone number. ENTICEMENT: I will have a flask, and possibly the Trav-L-Bar.