1. INHERITING A LOT OF MONEY: The all-time favorite. Alas, my family are all impoverished southern white trash. If everyone in my extended family died and left me everything they owned in the will, I would probably come out behind on the whole deal.
2. BECOMING A RICH PERSON'S SPOUSE OR LOVER: Unlikely due to my ugliness and abrasive personality.
3. EARNING A HUGE AMOUNT OF CASH AND RETIRING YOUNG: The method preached by politicians and TV commercials for financial management companies, and the explicit ending of the American Dream. Problematic here is my lack of marketable skills and complete absence of drive and ambition.
4. STEALING THE MONEY: Ah, it's the life of an international jet-setting supercriminal for me! This is far and away the most appealing possibility, although at a certain point I begin to suspect that it would be a little too much like working. Alas, though, while I have the mind of a supervillain, I have the body and soul of a thuggish henchman. In the comic book of life, I am the guy whose only line is "What the -- ?!?". Others get the glory and prestige, while I just get "Rocko! Get him!" yelled at me.
5. WINNING THE LOTTERY: This has been my plan for a number of years now. Unfortunately, it's taking a lot longer than I anticipated.
That's why I turn to you, my devoted readership, and announce the "HELP LEONARD BECOME A LOW-RENT VERSION OF GORE VIDAL" CONTEST! If you donate money to me, so I can move to a foreign country and snipe cattily about America from a relatively safe distance, then once a year I will pay your way to my opulent mansion for a delightful holiday!
Won't you please help? If everyone on my Friends list just donated five hundred thousand dollars, I would be well on my way. If each of you donated a mere fifty thousand dollars via PayPal to leonard at ludickid dot com, I could at least not work for five years or so. And if all of you got everyone on YOUR friends list to pony up a paltry ten grand, the practical benefits to me would be beyond measure.
It's really not so much to ask, is it, to make me an obnoxious expatriate millionaire crank, after all I've done for you?