I have come up with several alternatives for which I implore you to register your preference, and then tomorrow you can make your normal posts in this deranged persona in order to show the world that there is an alternative to the tyranny of pirate talk. Of course, alternate suggestions are welcome in comments as are gratuitous insults of me as a humorless prick for not liking International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but here's the alternatives I have come up with:
1. International Talk Like a Gangster Day. Participants are encouraged to make repeated references to gats, geetus and galluses, to call their girlfriends a real swell frail or their boyfriends a good egg, and to inject "see" at the end of every sentence. Touchstone: Jimmy Cagney.
2. International Talk Like a Fop Day. Participants are encouraged to affect the manner of a 1920s British schoolboy, to call things "ripping" and to refer to conversations as "pie-jaw". Any suggestion should be preceded by "I say, here's fun!". Retarded-sounding cackles encouraged. Touchstone: Bertie Wooster.
3. International Talk Like a Commie Day. Participants are encouraged to make themselves sound like a Soviet propaganda poster or to ape the manner of Chairman Mao's little red book. Discourage people from doing things by urging them to "reject absolutely the jackal-headed spectre" of that thing. Talk about counterrevolutionary backsliders. Touchstone: V.I. Lenin.
4. International Talk Like That Nerdy Toadying Effeminate Sleazeball With a Pencil Mustache Who's in Every Wushu Flick Day. Participants are encouraged to snivel, connive, and go apeshit around women. Touchstone: Wei Ping-Ao.
5. International Talk Like William Shatner Day. Participants are encouraged to ham it up, overemote and act like they're having a massive bowel movement every time they say a line. Say "sabo-tadge". Touchstone: William Shatner.
Your thoughts, SVP?
What should everyone in the world talk like tomorrow?