Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Making the case for ro-mance

As on most Valentine's Days since the late 1960s, I find myself without female companionship on this, the holiday that commemorates the glories of love. At times I have seemed cynical: scoffing at the cutesy-poo antics of "couples"; deriding the bogus Hallmarkization of the holiday; boldly asserting that I am happy alone; doing sophisticated Pareto-optimizational cost/value analyses of the benefits of getting a date; stating that there's nothing I can do with a woman that I can't do with my right hand and a copy of "Shaved Schnizz".

But the truth is, it's all bluster. Bluster to hide my shame, my fear, my longing. For I, cynical and snide as I often pretend to be, just want love, like everyone else. I long for a lover's sweet embrace. I long for someone to miss me when I'm gone. I long for someone to keep awake with my god-awful snoring.

So, if you are a pretty lady, and are looking for a swell fella to be your big poppa lover man, and especially if you happen to work at a Chicago-based comic book and collectible ephemera emporium, please review the following information and make an important choice. You know how to reach me.


1. I am a reasonably good writer and conversationalist.
2. I am fairly sociable, well-informed and witty.
3. My drinking and drug use are amusing rather than abusive.
4. I can beat people up or shoot them on your behalf.
5. I am a good lover, if your standards are not unreasonably high.
6. I have a car.
7. While gross, I am less gross than I could be. You've seen grosser, is my point here.
8. I tend to stay out of your way.
9. Your friends will be afraid of me, which can work to your advantage.
10. I do not actually have a 33-inch-long male organ, but I pretend that I do, which some people find amusing.


1. I am both fatter and uglier than is absolutely necessary.
2. I hate pretty much everything.
3. The number of things I would rather do than sleep can be counted on one hand.
4. I don't have any money, and am likely to not have any money for the remainder of my life.
5. I am, generally speaking, a total geek.
6. I am a cranky, irritable half-breed.
7. Dating me will not facilitate your entrance into society in any way, though it may facilitate your withdrawal from it.

There you have it! The positives far outweigh the negatives. Send photos, c.v., and contact information immediately. Our glorious shared future lies ahead.
Tags: crankery, diary, lay-teez, lists, trivium

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.