Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Give a Hoot, Put These On and Shake 'Em

Okay. I hold in my cringing hand a bag of "Hooters Hot Wing Flavored Potato Chips". Let's read the copy on the back together, shall we, and see how long it takes them to mention tits?

Here we go.

Founded in 1983 in Clearwater, Florida, Hooters Restaurants has grown to over 350 locations in small towns, major metropolitan areas, and internationally.

No mention of tits so far. It's nice to know that the chain had its origin in a shithole like Clearwater, as well as that you can enjoy overrated, overpriced wings and tight-top-wearing waitresses as far away as Croatia and Guatemala, but the use of "major metropolitan areas" instead of "cities" is no doubt meant to disguise the fact that, like strip clubs, most Hooters are located near the airport.

The casual beach-theme establishments feature 50's & 60's jukebox music, sports on TV, and a menu that includes seafood, sandwiches, salads and spicy chicken wings. A restaurant with great food, a fun atmosphere and beautiful Hooters Girls has become such a success, why stop there?

They throw you off in the first sentence by calling the place "beach-theme" instead of "tits-theme", but by sentence 2 of paragraph 2, the pretense is over. Noteworthy is the fact that they mention their predictable menu and "fun" boomer-dude entertainment as if it set them apart, instead of simply being a list of things you can get at, oh, say, 90% of all restaurants in America.

The Hooters brand has expanded to an airline, a golf tour, many sports affiliations, and more. Hooters has also become a respected name in local communities through active participation and generous donations to charities.

Whenever someone mentions branding, my brain seizes up, so I couldn't quite process the concept of "Hooters" and "respected" going together. I wonder what, say, the National Organization of Women, or the numerous people who have found it necessary to sue the chain for its hiring practices, would have to say about the respected Hooters name. Also, in case any of you have not yet picked up on this subtle but undeniable hint that sexism may not be a thing of the past in our country: America has a tit-themed airline.

Now, we decided to take our signature item, our nearly famous chicken wing; one step further. These delicious chips will satisfy your wing craving and leave you daydreaming in orange and white. Experience a little taste of Hooters anytime anywhere.

Well, it's by this paragraph that the copywriter has obviously just started whacking it under the table: the last sentence is downright pornographic. Also please note the confused grammar ("nearly famous") and syntax (the baffling semicolon) in the first sentence, clearly the work of a man typing with one hand. And what is with this "dreaming in orange and white" shit? This ain't Shakespeare, potato chip man.

Finally, let it be noted that the chips (which are, of course, terrible) are available in Hot Wing with Ranch and Dill Pickle flavors as well. They contain a rather startling 380mg of sodium in an ounce-and-a-half bag, bad news for the chubsy, hypertense business travelers who constitute the chain's core clientele, and according to the ingredients listing, they contain both paprika and extractives of paprika. Mmmmmm!
Tags: crankery, eats

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