Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Exhumed from the SpitGroove archives: reality shows I'd like to pitch

TENEMENT BINGO

A bunch of rich white Wall Street fucks are sent to the Robert Taylor Homes on the south side of Chicago to live. They are stripped of all their money and have to work at KFC. Each week, the audience votes on which one has displayed the most and least horrible behavior, and the person judged to be less awful than the others gets to go home. On the other hand, the guy who is the most insufferable prick has to stay there an extra week. If, by the end of the season, he is judged to still be a piece of shit, he is sentenced to another year on the show.

NOTHING'S COOL

Family and 'friends' of the hot celebrity of the moment are brought on a show to tell embarrassing, humiliating stories about them from before they were famous. Each segment is introduced by footage of the celebrity exuding Hollywood cool and is ended by footage of them being a complete loser.

FAN FEVER

Each week, the producers go to a sporting event and select 6 fat sacks of shit who yell "you suck" at professional athletes. They are then allowed to take that athlete's place in the next game. If they perform even half as well as the athlete's statistical norm, they are allowed to get his salary for a day. If they do not, the athlete gets to punch them in the face as hard as he can without repercussions. Fat sack-of-shit sports fans who die from the exertion have a corn dog dedicated to their memory.

SUCK A HORSE'S DICK

Ten women compete for the chance to suck a horse's dick. There's no prize, but they get to be on the teevee!

SNAPS!

Eight contestants and their mothers are flown into the studio from various parts of the country. They then go through several rounds of bustin' on each other's mamas; each round, the time limit gets shorter and shorter. You start out with 100 points, and you lose points for comin' weak or getting so upset you try to smack a fool. In between rounds, hidden cameras film the contestants in the dressing rooms, where they mamas yell "BOY, YOU GONNA LET HIM TALK ABOUT YO MAMA THAT WAY? YOU SHOULD BE 'SHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

SUMO INTELLECTUALS

A group of pretentious hipsters are escorted to a loft party in Williamsburg to do battle. All the other party guests are also pseudointellectual poseurs -- except one. One person has actually read all the books, seen all the movies, and heard all the albums that everyone else claims to have read, seen and heard. One by one, he chats up the other guests, trying to lure them into giving themselves away with a fatuous comment, an obvious slip or a claim that they have an import version of a nonexistent CD. The last hipster standing gets to be the Strokes' road manager for a week.

BIG OL' EATIN' CONTEST, WHOOO

A standard eating contest, but with an element of choice involved. Each contestant gets to pick which bulk food item he thinks he can consume at a single sitting. For example:

- a 10-lb. bag of flour or a 2-lb. can of lard
- a 3-lb. bag of sugar or a 1-lb. can of salt
- a 96-ounce steak or a 5-lb. wheel of cheddar
- 3 fifths of vodka or an entire bottle of ephedra
- one entire pig or eight whole chickens

The winner gets his medical bills paid.

THE BITTERSONS

A couple who have been married for 16 years and hate each other's guts are the contestants. Each one does everything humanly possibly to humilate, mock and infuriate the other, and each one ignores the efforts of the other to do the same. They win a dollar for each minute that passes without saying a word to each other. Whichever one lasts until their kid moves out of the house to go to college wins a quickie divorce and a much younger lover.

THE AMAZING RACIST

Three contestants -- a young black male, a young Hispanic male and a young Arab male -- have to hang out on a street corner for four hours, then drive a very expensive sports car across town, and ultimately arrive at the airport where they must purchase a one-way plane ticket for cash. Whichever one manages to make it the farthest without being profiled and arrested wins the grand prize.

MOE JILLIONAIRE

A dozen women compete for the love of a hateful, unattractive bartender who has just inherited a jillion dollars. But the viewer knows something they don't: there's no such thing as a jillion dollars!

HIGH AT THE AIRPORT

Four sets of two stoners each do bong hits and go hang out at the Indianapolis airport. Highly trained minimum-wage security guards have been alerted as to the possible infestation of the airport by gopped-up slackers. The stoners must attempt to kill three hours telling each other why various things are hilarious without attracting the attention of the rent-a-cops. Last duo to be told "okay, fellas, go have your little party somewhere else" wins $5000.

Bonus points if anyone can convince the audience why something is hilarious. Double bonus points for identifying a non-contestant who is "totally high". Triple kitty bonus points for each dollar spent on snacks at the airport gift shop that's justified by saying "no, dude, don't sweat it, we're totally going to win and get all the money back".

Thanks, elston, for reminding me that thread existed...
Tags: laffs, teevee
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