1. You know what would have been funny? If the Democrats had put red ink on their fingers last night.
2. Of course, I know a lot of people are excited about the Eagles being in the Super Contest Ball this weekend, but have we all forgotten that their quarterback isn't really that good, and that he's just been hyped up by the media because they want to see a black man succeed?
3. I want to get my gal something for Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, all the standard sources that tell you what to get your gal for Valentine's Day are stupid. That's the problem with the world today: it's stupid.
4. Speaking of stupid, the Oscars are coming up!
5. If I were to start my own wrestling stable, I would call them the Natural Disasters, and they would be a bunch of brutal weirdos in a Mansonesque hippie cult. They would be dirty, gross and ugly, and they would talk in ridiculous faux-hippie slang like the kind you would read in the New Yorker in, like, 1966. There would be ten of them, and they would be named Harry Kane, "Flash" Fludd, Forrest Feir, Thor Nato, "Meaty" Orr, Ty Dillwave, Dr. Ought, Eva Lanche, Eartha Kweik, and Sue Nami. Bob Mould gets paid more money to think this stuff up than he made in all his years with Hüsker Dü!
THE END I AM A GENIUS