Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

How to kill, er, be a radio consultant

CLASSICAL MUSIC. Requirements: Hosts with fake Continental accents and at least 75 years of broadcast experience. Complete lack of listeners. Buxtehude, Buxtehude, Buxtehude.

CLASSIC ROCK. Requirements: dedicated group of aging boomers who insist on not hearing anything recorded after they got their first job. Core advertiser base, all located in the suburbs. Automated disc jockey who is programmed to play the same six songs.

COLLEGE RADIO. Requirements: six-watt broadcasting tower located on roof of chemistry lab. Staff of 19-year-old DJs who have just now discovered techno. No advertisements, which you say is because you're independent but is really because your key demo doesn't have any money.

LIGHT ROCK/ADULT CONTEMPORARY. Requirements: Fanatical devotion to the bland, inoffensive and utterly familiar. Broad-based appeal to secretaries, receptionists, and dental technicians alike. Ability to manifest pride when referred to as "the hold-music station".

NEWS RADIO. Requirements: brittle, bitter-sounding middle-aged woman to read AP wire reports. Weather updates every 27 seconds, even if you are located in the American southwest. Tie-wearing speed freak to rattle off stock ticker data at regular intervals.

PUBLIC RADIO. Requirements: Core staff of dedicated, hardworking, well-educated hosts whose voices were made for silent cinema. Man with hand-held digital recorder and passion for Zimbabwean toe puppets. Collection of records not peppy enough for the smooth jazz station.

SMOOTH JAZZ. Requirements: Collection of artists who never, ever play anything polyrhythmic, distorted, atonal or off-key. Logo featuring saxophone with rainbow coming out of it. Dedicated fan base of cabbies and 24-hour restauranteurs.

SPORTS RADIO. Requirements: Plenty of ad dollars from strip clubs, male enhancement drugs, and places that sell chicken wings. Exclusive broadcast rights to local high school football. Morning and evening talk show hosts who are white, male, over 300 pounds each, and utterly contemptuous of women.

TALK RADIO. Requirements: Investment of large chunks of money in call screeners. Keely developed sense of pandering. Bravery and courage required to play the same five right-wing ideologues that every other talk radio station in America broadcasts for four hours a day each.

TOP 40. Requirements: ClearChannel ownership. Ruthless devotion to the advertiser. Willingness to accept payola regardless of its source.
Tags: music
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