Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

It's not even 9AM, and already there are all these assholes

Asshole #1 is the asshole driving through the alley when I was going to work, and who was in such a hurry to drive through the alley that he found it necessary to honk at me in order to speed my garage-door-closing procedure along. Now, I am of the strict belief that alleys are not for driving. They are not roads. They are not put there for you to drive through because you don't feel like going to all the trouble of turning right and driving 30 feet so you can get on to the actual street. They are for storing trash, providing footpaths, accessing your garage, and making a place for dogs to shit when they're sick of the front lawn. But to this guy, my having a garage was an affront, a honk-worthy offense, a crime against progress tantamount to building a bookstore in the middle of a six-lane freeway. HONK HONK! GET OUT OF MY WAY! SPEEDBUMP! SPEEDBUMP!

Asshole #2 didn't honk at me; he wasn't even there. But he's somewhere, and he's readying another bumper sticker for his car, which is always parked by the side of the road when I'm on my way to work. He already has one that says "Abolish Corporate Personhood", and one that says "Hate is Not a Family Value" (ha! it is in my family), and one that says something against the Iraq war that even annoys me and I'm as against the Iraq war as you can get. The best bumper sticker he has is the one that says "The Best Things in Life Aren't Things". This sticker, which, after all, is a thing, designed specifically to go on another thing, and which is the very definition of a frivolous consumer item, proves that it's not only the right which is immune to irony.

Asshole #3 is the person who put this "Smart Spot" sticker on my diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, informing me that I have made one of the 'smart choices made easy' that helps contribute to a 'healthy lifestyle' (IT'S HEALTHFUL, YOU ASSHOLES). According to, I can become a healthy person while also being a lazy fatass, by eating 'smart choices' like Fritos Extra Hot Bean Dip and Aunt Jemima Strawberry Pancake Mix. Being a responsible eater has never been so lazy! I am sure this asshole is a former tobacco company payroller, and liked to sit around being unaware that his or her product when used as directed gave people cancer. Don't get me wrong: I'm the one buying this shit, which makes me the biggest asshole in the world. But don't try and convince me I'm doing something noble.

Asshole #4 is everyone in the Republican party and everyone who voted for the Republican party in the last election, which includes several of you reading this and my parents. Sorry, assholes! The G.O.P. has really shone this week, scuttling a minimum wage hike, proposing changes to the minimum wage laws that would nearly triple the number of businesses that would be exempt from paying their employees minimum wage, and pushing through a bankruptcy reform bill that will ensure that the working classes, who they have just ensured will make as little money as possible, will also spend the rest of their lives in indentured servitude to the banks should they ever incur credit card debts or medical expenses they can't pay. But, hey! If they lose their minimum wage jobs, they can always get two more that legally pay less than that, which will almost make up for it! Yes, that's today's G.O.P.: helping the rich get richer, and helping the poor help the rich get richer.

Assholes. I'm telling you. Assholes.

Love and kisses,
King Asshole Dickface Knobfuck El Supremo #1
Tags: crankery

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