MR. FANTASTIC REGION
(1) Getting to bang a hot young blonde trophy wife even though you are a total Melvin vs.
(16) Hiring a witch as your nanny
(8) Salt & pepper hair vs.
(9) Unstable molecules
(5) Feudin’ with Ben vs.
(12) Inventing the Fantasti-Car
(4) Calling Jonny a “young hothead” vs.
(13) Losing the lease on the Baxter Building because you’re shitty with money
(6) Visiting professorship at Empire State University vs.
(3) “This is a threat unlike any we have faced before” vs.
(14) Turning into an exact replica of your overbearing dad
(2) Fucking up Dr. Doom’s Christmas in perpetuity vs.
(15) Geek arguments over who’s smarter, you or Braniac-5
(1) Clobberin’ time vs
(16) Your blind sculptor girlfriend who supposedly loves you because her lack of sight lets her see past your hideous appearance, but let’s face facts, you’re a 600-pound lump of rock and she knows it, blind or not
(8) Cigars vs.
(9) Floppy hats, sunglasses and jumbo overcoats
(5) Aunt Petunia vs.
(12) Getting in a fistfight with the Hulk just for the fuck of it
(4) Fantasti-Briefs vs.
(13) The “mushy, lumpy Thing” vs. “cracked, ridgy Thing” controversy
(6) Going up in an untested, unsafe, potentially lethal and possibly illegal spaceship just because some pinhead calls you chicken vs.
(11) Cock-blockin’ Reed
(3) Being both a washed-up ex-jock and a washed-up ex-pilot vs.
(14) “The hurt you can’t hide”
(2) the Yancey Street Gang vs.
(15) Having all the really smart supervillains make fun of you
HUMAN TORCH REGION
(1) FIRE! vs
(16) Getting to go to space when you’re 16 and totally unqualified
(8) Hot rods vs.
(9) Spelling things with flame
(5) Your girlfriend leaving you for Galactus vs.
(12) Hanging out in a homeless shelter with the Sub-Mariner
(4) Being the only one on the team who can fly vs.
(13) Getting your name so Marvel could protect its old copyrights
(6) Pissing off Spider-Man vs.
(11) Calling Ben a big ape
(3) “Flame on!” vs.
(14) Spelling “Jonny” without the ‘h’
(2) Getting replaced in the cartoon by a dumb-ass robot because the producers are afraid the kiddies will douse themselves in kerosene vs.
(15) Those weird striations all over your body
INVISIBLE GIRL REGION
(1) Changing your name to ‘The Invisible Woman’, like that’s going to get you any respect vs
(16) John Byrne drawing you with breasts as big as your head
(8) Being the first superhero to take maternity leave vs.
(9) Your kid turning out to be a god
(5) Playing Fay Wray to Annihilus’ King Kong vs.
(12) Being replaced by She-Hulk, who John Byrne draws with even huger breasts than yours
(4) Getting force field powers because, come on, invisibility by itself is pretty weak vs.
(13) Spending most of the last 40+ years mildly pissed off at your husband
(6) Kicky haircuts vs.
(11) Ben thinking he has a chance with you, even though you wouldn’t do him BEFORE he was a huge, gross pile of orange rocks
(3) Designing new costumes for the team, because that’s the kind of thing girls like to do, tee hee vs.
(14) Calling yourself a “Negative Zone widow”
(2) General doormattery vs.
(15) Jessica Alba with a blonde dyejob
Note: there is nothing whatsoever about college basketball behind the cut, but instead, a bunch of nonsense about the Fantastic Four. Thank you.