Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

If your mother only knew

If your mother is anything like mine, she enjoys being horribly tormented by the notion that you are going to Hell. So here's some ways you can increase her angst, fear and all-around dread:

1. Express an opinion about homosexuals other than that they are sinful. This will instantly cause her to ask if you are gay, because as we all know, the only reason you would think that homosexuals should not be persecuted is because you are yourself a homosexual.

2. Mention that you enjoy smoking not tobacco. This will provoke the comment that you will go to prison for the rest of your life, and possibly a mention of the terrible things that go on in prison.

3. Confess your lack of belief in the existence of Hell, and mention that your fear of going there is mitigated by the fact that you think it is as real a place as the merry old land of Oz. This will lead to her informing you that it's real whether you believe in it or not, and that it's a terrible place where people suffer horribly forever and ever. However, not to worry, because she will add that she is praying for you and fully expects that a conversion is imminent.

4. Admit to a romantic attraction to a female of the Negro or Latino race. You might think this would come as good news to your mother, because if nothing else it indicates that you are not a homosexual, but no.

5. Tell her that, while you will visit her occassionally on holidays, you have no intention of moving to the same city as her, no matter how much less cold it is, so long as she continues to reside in Texas. This may lead to her asking where she would have to live to get you to move nearby; be warned that the answers "Chicago, New York City or Paris" are not acceptable.
Tags: crankery, diary, lists

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.