Anyway, in lieu of an apres-game live report, I offer you this rundown of interesting facts and "facts" about the opening day roster of my beloved, hapless Chicago White Sox, the Team That Time Forgot.
C A.J. Pierzynski (Bridgehampton, NY): "Pierzynski" is Polish for "Pierce".
1B Paul Konerko (Providence, RI): Paul is pretty good-looking for a guy with a bald spot.
2B Tadahito Iguchi (Tokyo, Japan): Tadahito thinks Lost in Translation was overrated.
3B Joe Crede (Jefferson City, MO): Joe's last name is not pronounced like the shitty band.
SS Juan Uribe (Bani, Dominican Republic): went to college and majored in Twix.
LF Scott Podsednik (West, TX): no, not West Texas -- West, Texas.
CF Aaron Rowand (Portland, OR): describes himself as a "male lesbian trangendered queer trapped in a woman's spirit in a man's body".
RF Jermaine Dye (Vacaville, CA): famous for breaking his leg several times.
DH Carl Everett (Tampa, FL): Carl is renowned throughout the leage for being batshit crazy.
C Chris Widger (Wilmington, DE): Chris is very, very boring.
1B Ross Gload (Brooklyn, NY): Represent! Bo bo bo! Brooklyn -- what?!?
2B Pablo Ozuna (Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic): Was the inspiration for "A.K.A. Pablo".
CF Willie Harris (Cairo, GA): Willie Harris was named after John Henry, only Willie instead of John and Harris instead of Henry.
RF Timo Perez (Juan Baron Palenque, Dominican Republic): comes from the longest city in North America.
SP Mark Buehrle (St. Charles, MO): really is burly.
SP Freddy Garcia (Caracas, Venezuela): spends all his free time trying to think of things that rhyme with "Caracas".
SP Orlando Hernandez (Havana, Cuba): wonders whatever happened to Claire Danes.
SP Jose Contreras (Las Martinas, Cuba): brought in to give El Duque someone to complain about Castro with.
SP Jon Garland (Valencia, CA): is afraid of oranges after viewing The Godfather eight times in a row.
CL Shingo Takatsu (Hiroshima, Japan): nicknamed "Mr. Zero" because he enjoys flying planes into buildings as part of a suicide mission.
RP Damaso Marte (Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic): sells quack hangover cures over the internet.
RP Luis Vizcaino (Bani, Dominican Republic): was forcibly kidnapped and made mayor of Lima, OH against his will in 1996.
RP Dustin Hermanson (Springfield, OH): lives right next door to the Simpsons.
RP Cliff Politte (St. Louis, MO): nickname is "ImPolitte" due to atrocious table manners.
RP Neal Cotts (Belleville, IL): a local boy made good, or, more accurately, a local boy made bad.