Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Vital issues of our times

Dear Eva Longoria,

I realize you don't know me -- to be fair, I'm not sure I know you either -- but I just wanted to say, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, congratulations on winning Maxim magazine's 6th annual "Hot 100" list.

To have come from such presumably humble beginnings (why, to think that five years ago no one even knew the name Eva Longoria!) and struggled mightily against the odds that a beautiful brunette could ever make it big in Hollywood; to have not only bucked those odds and become, as Maxim editor-in-chief Ed Needham put it, the foremost of the "women whose names are on the lips of people the world over" (for who among us has not heard people at the airport in Jakarta, gathered around a communal well in Kyrgyzstan, or lining up for AIDS medication in Namibia breathlessly invoking the name Eva Longoria?), the "women whose careers are headed for the dizziest heights", and most importantly, the "women whose looks will scorch the back off your retina" -- for, if one's retina has a back, surely if it's not scorched off by Eva Longoria, it's literally unscorchoffable: to have not only done that, but to have beaten out such fierce competition from other apparently famous women as Rachel Bilson, Evangeline Lilly, Sara Foster and Ashanti! Well, it's an accomplishment that defies description, and unquestionably justifies the story's high placement on AP's Most Popular list.

Perhaps the most appealing aspect of this happy event comes from your sincere and grateful response to this unimaginable honor. You described it as "incredible" -- and, indeed, it does defy credibility that a woman who was ranked a pitiable 91st on the 2004 Maxim Hot 100 List could so quickly gain ground in such a fiercely contested field -- and showed just the right blend of humility and pride when you said "This year has been amazing for me." 2005 has been amazing for all of us, Eva Longoria; but who besides you can claim the vast accomplishment (and awesome honor) of being the most dizzy-career-heading-for-est, eye-damagingest, global-lip-on-name-havingest woman of the year? To make your feat all the more staggering, I must point out that the Maxim Hot 100 List is chosen by the editors of Maxim magazine. That's right, Eva Longoria: this isn't some rigged ballot scam or bogus, cheap popularity contest. Your position as this year's top hotness centurion was chosen by professionals, qualified experts in the employ of the nation's leading half-naked-woman-and-expensive-gadget journal, paid masters of the ins and outs of human fabulosity. This isn't the People's Choice Awards. This is the Oscars of masturbatory worthiness.

Kudos to you, Eva Longoria. Humanity has waited for you, and finally you are here. The Wandering Jew may finally rest; the ancient prophecies may now be closed as moot; the question of why we are here is well and truly settled. We are here for you, Eva Longoria, #1 on this year's Maxim Hot 100 List. For you.

yours in frank awe,
Leonard A. Pierce, Jr.
Tags: crankery, news

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