So, obviously, I like the idea, but I'm a bit disappointed at times by the execution. Some of the state quarters are great (Washington crossing the Delaware for New Jersey, the classic simplicity of Texas, the friendly cow on Wisconsin), but some are stupid (the space shuttle on Florida, the floating diamond for Arkansas), some are boring (South Carolina and Delaware, in particular), and some are just odd (the no-longer-extant Stone Face of New Hampshire, the raggedy-looking tree for Connecticut, the "birthplace of aviation pioneers" theme of Ohio, an open admission that they couldn't think of anything). Therefore, I submit to you: State Quarters, Improved.
Theme: "Birthplace of Civil Rights"
Image: Bull Connor siccing his dogs on black people
Theme: "It's Really Fuckin' Cold"
Image: An Eskimo hunched over a tiny fishing hole in the ice
Theme: "It's Really Fuckin' Hot"
Image: An inmate in pink boxer shorts sweating while eating a spoiled bologna sandwich
Theme: "The Hillbilly State"
Image: A cigar, a jug of moonshine, a bloody knife
Theme: "Don't You Just HATE Us?"
Image: Arnold Schwarzenegger, illegal immigrants, hippies, gangbangers and movie stars all thumbing their noses at the viewer
Theme: "Rocky Mountain High"
Image: John Denver crashing his plane into a giant Coors can
Theme: "The Hard-to-Spell State"
Image: An impenetrable rebus featuring Martha Stewart, a shovel, a pile of dog shit, a Scrabble board, and a pair of scissors
Theme: "The Forgotten State"
Image: A boring stretch of interstate highway
Theme: "Fuckin' Up"
Image: Terri Schiavo and Elian Gonzalez being beaten to death by an electronic voting box
Theme: "The State Too Busy To Hate"
Image: A black man standing under a tree, looking at his watch
Theme: "Welcome Tourist Dollars!"
Image: Coconut bra
Theme: "More Than Just Potatoes"
Image: A potato
Theme: "Home of Chicago, and Some Other Stuff Too, I Guess"
Image: A map of Illinois where Chicago takes up 97% of the view
Theme: "A*M*M*E*R*I*K*K*K*A! A-OK!"
Image: A pregnant white woman driving an S.U.V. to the mall
Theme: "Farmland Forever"
Image: Someone taking a nap
Theme: "America's Dumbass"
Image: An angry mob burning Darwin at the stake
Theme: "Bluegrass & Bluegrass"
Image: Bill Monroe standing in a field, obscenely berating one of his sidemen
Theme: "La Roulez bon Fouillet Machoupez!"
Image: A fat man being anally raped by a hillbilly
Theme: "Not As Many Monsters As You Might Think"
Image: Stephen King cackling maniacally
Theme: "Setting of HBO's Police Drama 'The Wire'"
Image: Incomprehensible webwork diagram featuring all the characters on 'The Wire' and how they relate to one another
Theme: "Witch-Free Since 1692"
Image: A heretic being pressed under huge slabs of stone
Theme: "Birthplace of White Flight"
Image: Giant Coleman Young black power fist statue
Theme: "Where Leonard's Girlfriend Lives"
Theme: "The Most Depressing Place in America"
Image: A white hand and a black hand joined together to make thumbs-down gestures
Image: Yakov Smirnoff
Theme: "The Militiaman's Choice"
Image: A tiny shack in a remote mountainous area, well-stocked with ammo
Theme: "From the Bruce Springsteen Album of the Same Name"
Image: Your brother, who just ain't no good
Theme: "Good Things from the Desert"
Image: A hooker, a gambler and a Mafioso silhouetted against an atomic explosion
Theme: "We Talk Funny"
Image: The featureless mountainside where the Stone Face used to be
Theme: "Butt of America's Jokes"
Image: A south Jersey couple: he has a greasy pompadour, a jogging suit and a huge cigar; she has a beehive, a filtered Kool in a holder, and high heels with jeans
Theme: "Folksy as Fuck"
Image: The noble Native American, selling you discount cigarettes
Theme: "We Are America, And Nothing Else Matters Besides What Happens Here"
Image: A map of the U.S. consisting of eighteen square blocks of lower Manhattan
Theme: "North Carolina is a Cigarette State"
Image: A diseased lung
Theme: "The GOOD Dakota"
Image: The four presidents on Mount Rushmore slaughtering Sitting Bull
Theme: "The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll is Still Beating…In Cleveland"
Image: The Hard Rock Café
Theme: "We Got Prayin' Hands"
Image: A gaggle of homosexuals and feminists having lightning rain down upon their heads at the bequest of Oral Roberts
Theme: "Don't Call Us Oreganos"
Image: A collage featuring lesbians, school shootings, fresh sushi, lumberjacks, and protestors
Theme: "It's Mine, All Mine!"
Image: A giant William Penn avariciously laughing over a map of the state
Theme: "The Dinky State"
Image: Every person in Rhode Island, waving
Theme: "Yee Haw"
Image: Strom Thurmond having sex with one of his servants
Theme: "We're Here Too, You Know"
Theme: "'Cause You're The Only Ten I See"
Image: A white-trash trailer park girl smoking unfiltered Marlboros and wearing Daisy Dukes
Theme: "Fuck You, Everybody"
Image: George W. Bush, smirking
Theme: "Polygamy, Magical Underwear, and No Liquor"
Image: A Mormon Church elder frowning sternly
Theme: "Who Wants Ice Cream?"
Image: Fat, rich hippies cavorting in the woods
Theme: "A History of Cheap Labor"
Image: A slave ship being welcomed by a bunch of minimum-wage workers with no labor union
Theme: "Double Venti Half-Cap Latte, and Quickly, Please"
Image: Bill Gates as a world-spanning octo-hydra with a cup of Starbuck's in each tentacle
Theme: "Tough and Ruthless, Rough and Toothless"
Image: A hubcap that's been made into an ashtray
Theme: "The Cow State"
Image: Collage of dairy farms, cows, corn, porn shops, anti-abortion billboards, cheese curds, and people being menaced by renegade automatons from the Tommy Bartlett Robot Parade in Wisconsin Dells
Theme: "Last in Everything"
Image: A tumbleweed blowing across a deserted landscape