Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

50 States

Let me preface this by saying, I really like the state quarters. I'm a geek for currency (not for money-as-money, which I dislike, but for money-as-object), and I'm inexcusably excited when I get a new state quarter. The next one is Minnesota, which has nothing but good connotations for me. I've even become like those nerds who won't turn over their calendars because they want to be surprised by the next picture: I don't like knowing ahead of time what the new quarters are going to look like, preferring to just get one in change and be surprised.

So, obviously, I like the idea, but I'm a bit disappointed at times by the execution. Some of the state quarters are great (Washington crossing the Delaware for New Jersey, the classic simplicity of Texas, the friendly cow on Wisconsin), but some are stupid (the space shuttle on Florida, the floating diamond for Arkansas), some are boring (South Carolina and Delaware, in particular), and some are just odd (the no-longer-extant Stone Face of New Hampshire, the raggedy-looking tree for Connecticut, the "birthplace of aviation pioneers" theme of Ohio, an open admission that they couldn't think of anything). Therefore, I submit to you: State Quarters, Improved.



ALABAMA
Theme: "Birthplace of Civil Rights"
Image: Bull Connor siccing his dogs on black people

ALASKA
Theme: "It's Really Fuckin' Cold"
Image: An Eskimo hunched over a tiny fishing hole in the ice

ARIZONA
Theme: "It's Really Fuckin' Hot"
Image: An inmate in pink boxer shorts sweating while eating a spoiled bologna sandwich

ARKANSAS
Theme: "The Hillbilly State"
Image: A cigar, a jug of moonshine, a bloody knife

CALIFORNIA
Theme: "Don't You Just HATE Us?"
Image: Arnold Schwarzenegger, illegal immigrants, hippies, gangbangers and movie stars all thumbing their noses at the viewer

COLORADO
Theme: "Rocky Mountain High"
Image: John Denver crashing his plane into a giant Coors can

CONNECTICUT
Theme: "The Hard-to-Spell State"
Image: An impenetrable rebus featuring Martha Stewart, a shovel, a pile of dog shit, a Scrabble board, and a pair of scissors

DELAWARE
Theme: "The Forgotten State"
Image: A boring stretch of interstate highway

FLORIDA
Theme: "Fuckin' Up"
Image: Terri Schiavo and Elian Gonzalez being beaten to death by an electronic voting box

GEORGIA
Theme: "The State Too Busy To Hate"
Image: A black man standing under a tree, looking at his watch

HAWAII
Theme: "Welcome Tourist Dollars!"
Image: Coconut bra

IDAHO
Theme: "More Than Just Potatoes"
Image: A potato

ILLINOIS
Theme: "Home of Chicago, and Some Other Stuff Too, I Guess"
Image: A map of Illinois where Chicago takes up 97% of the view

INDIANA
Theme: "A*M*M*E*R*I*K*K*K*A! A-OK!"
Image: A pregnant white woman driving an S.U.V. to the mall

IOWA
Theme: "Farmland Forever"
Image: Someone taking a nap

KANSAS
Theme: "America's Dumbass"
Image: An angry mob burning Darwin at the stake

KENTUCKY
Theme: "Bluegrass & Bluegrass"
Image: Bill Monroe standing in a field, obscenely berating one of his sidemen

LOUISIANA
Theme: "La Roulez bon Fouillet Machoupez!"
Image: A fat man being anally raped by a hillbilly

MAINE
Theme: "Not As Many Monsters As You Might Think"
Image: Stephen King cackling maniacally

MARYLAND
Theme: "Setting of HBO's Police Drama 'The Wire'"
Image: Incomprehensible webwork diagram featuring all the characters on 'The Wire' and how they relate to one another

MASSACHUSETTS
Theme: "Witch-Free Since 1692"
Image: A heretic being pressed under huge slabs of stone

MICHIGAN
Theme: "Birthplace of White Flight"
Image: Giant Coleman Young black power fist statue

MINNESOTA
Theme: "Where Leonard's Girlfriend Lives"
Image: ninafarina

MISSISSIPPI
Theme: "The Most Depressing Place in America"
Image: A white hand and a black hand joined together to make thumbs-down gestures

MISSOURI
Theme: "Branson!"
Image: Yakov Smirnoff

MONTANA
Theme: "The Militiaman's Choice"
Image: A tiny shack in a remote mountainous area, well-stocked with ammo

NEBRASKA
Theme: "From the Bruce Springsteen Album of the Same Name"
Image: Your brother, who just ain't no good

NEVADA
Theme: "Good Things from the Desert"
Image: A hooker, a gambler and a Mafioso silhouetted against an atomic explosion

NEW HAMPSHIRE
Theme: "We Talk Funny"
Image: The featureless mountainside where the Stone Face used to be

NEW JERSEY
Theme: "Butt of America's Jokes"
Image: A south Jersey couple: he has a greasy pompadour, a jogging suit and a huge cigar; she has a beehive, a filtered Kool in a holder, and high heels with jeans

NEW MEXICO
Theme: "Folksy as Fuck"
Image: The noble Native American, selling you discount cigarettes

NEW YORK
Theme: "We Are America, And Nothing Else Matters Besides What Happens Here"
Image: A map of the U.S. consisting of eighteen square blocks of lower Manhattan

NORTH CAROLINA
Theme: "North Carolina is a Cigarette State"
Image: A diseased lung

NORTH DAKOTA
Theme: "The GOOD Dakota"
Image: The four presidents on Mount Rushmore slaughtering Sitting Bull

OHIO
Theme: "The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll is Still Beating…In Cleveland"
Image: The Hard Rock Café

OKLAHOMA
Theme: "We Got Prayin' Hands"
Image: A gaggle of homosexuals and feminists having lightning rain down upon their heads at the bequest of Oral Roberts

OREGON
Theme: "Don't Call Us Oreganos"
Image: A collage featuring lesbians, school shootings, fresh sushi, lumberjacks, and protestors

PENNSYLVANIA
Theme: "It's Mine, All Mine!"
Image: A giant William Penn avariciously laughing over a map of the state

RHODE ISLAND
Theme: "The Dinky State"
Image: Every person in Rhode Island, waving

SOUTH CAROLINA
Theme: "Yee Haw"
Image: Strom Thurmond having sex with one of his servants

SOUTH DAKOTA
Theme: "We're Here Too, You Know"
Image: Nothing

TENNESSEE
Theme: "'Cause You're The Only Ten I See"
Image: A white-trash trailer park girl smoking unfiltered Marlboros and wearing Daisy Dukes

TEXAS
Theme: "Fuck You, Everybody"
Image: George W. Bush, smirking

UTAH
Theme: "Polygamy, Magical Underwear, and No Liquor"
Image: A Mormon Church elder frowning sternly

VERMONT
Theme: "Who Wants Ice Cream?"
Image: Fat, rich hippies cavorting in the woods

VIRGINIA
Theme: "A History of Cheap Labor"
Image: A slave ship being welcomed by a bunch of minimum-wage workers with no labor union

WASHINGTON
Theme: "Double Venti Half-Cap Latte, and Quickly, Please"
Image: Bill Gates as a world-spanning octo-hydra with a cup of Starbuck's in each tentacle

WEST VIRGINIA
Theme: "Tough and Ruthless, Rough and Toothless"
Image: A hubcap that's been made into an ashtray

WISCONSIN
Theme: "The Cow State"
Image: Collage of dairy farms, cows, corn, porn shops, anti-abortion billboards, cheese curds, and people being menaced by renegade automatons from the Tommy Bartlett Robot Parade in Wisconsin Dells

WYOMING
Theme: "Last in Everything"
Image: A tumbleweed blowing across a deserted landscape

Tags: laffs
Subscribe

  • Whorin'

    BLATHER ALERT! Want to hear me go on and on about the 'meaning', whatever it is, of political blogs? Now you can, and without even the price of a…

  • Whorin'

    Today's Ludic Log: corrections and retractions. Also, those of you who subscribe to Blueprints, the trade journal of the produce industry, can…

  • Whorin'

    Today's Ludic Log: The 2007 Crappys. It's ON, baby.

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 22 comments

  • Whorin'

    BLATHER ALERT! Want to hear me go on and on about the 'meaning', whatever it is, of political blogs? Now you can, and without even the price of a…

  • Whorin'

    Today's Ludic Log: corrections and retractions. Also, those of you who subscribe to Blueprints, the trade journal of the produce industry, can…

  • Whorin'

    Today's Ludic Log: The 2007 Crappys. It's ON, baby.