Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

More patio sale items

BARBEQUE IMPLEMENTS. Summer is here, and that means it’s time to kill an animal and sear its raw flesh over a roaring fire! This complete set of tongs, skewers, forks, brushes, and clamps not only are made from real wood, and not only bear the faint odor and appearance of long-ago-digested meals, but can also be used for torturing humans, or for cooking vegetables if you’re a total puss. $3 for all.

FESTIVE HOMUNCULUS. Foot-tall representation in unnamed puffy acrylic of Father Christmas, complete with fake-looking beard, lunatic expression, and spatulate hands. Perfect for terrifying children, amusing cats or baffling foreigners. 50¢.

FOOD PULVERIZER. Hailing from the fashionable Hamilton Beach area of southern Wackamolia, this motorized dingbat in delicate off-cream is designed to receive edible foodstuffs and reduce them to pulverized, blended, sliced, chopped and/or julienned states of nature. Perfectly functional, but aesthetically marred by the presence of a melted plastic corner, the tragic legacy of a failed relationship with an abusive toaster. $5.

UNFASHIONABLE CLOTHING. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore; and when I get rid of clothes because they’re not cool enough, that’s unfashionable. A vast selection available, featuring tattered and out-of-date dress shirts, decades-old ‘ironic’ t-shirts, and denim jeans that remove all doubt regarding how fat I really am. 50¢ each.

VIALS OF MYSTERY. Two small glass vials with plastic screw-caps, with a holding capacity of perhaps four ounces. Were they once used in a nefarious scientific experiment? Did they once serve to cook methamphetamine or transport cocaine? Could they have held a Potion of Giant Strength? The only way to solve the mystery…is to buy them! 25¢ for both.
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    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

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