Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

A few of my favorite excerpts from Shalom Auslander's "365 Reasons to Kill Yourself This Year"

6. The creeping suspicion that victims' families on the news are faking their grief.

14. If there is a commercial video of the Columbine shooting, that means there was also an editing session for the Columbine video and a soundtrack session for the Columbine video, and someone had to name the Columbine video, and some people stood around deciding on the box-cover layouts for the Columbine video.

29. When you die and go to Heaven, everyone who ever lived will be walking around having cocktails and
hors d'oeuvres and introducing themselves, and when they say "Oh, what time period are you from?" and you say "Early twenty-first-century America", everyone will laugh.

84. People actually prefer the no-talent, pedophiliacal sexuality of FOX's Teen Choice awards to the violence and mayhem of the
Source Hip-Hop Music Awards.

88. Cameras at political conventions playing Find The Colored Guy.

101. The cynicism that has gripped the younger voters of this country stubbornly refuses to grip the older voters of this country.

127. The suggestion that Tiger Woods' success at an exorbitantly expensive game requiring miles of immaculately manicured lawns will help urban black kids living twelve to a room.

186. Marketing executives at a major New York firm hold regular "Teen Immersion Meetings", at which employees dress up and act like teenagers and make presentations to the staff to "get into the head of today's youth".

225. A two-hour show at New York's Fashion Week that was dedicated to displaying this year's hot teenage fashions -- which invariably cause teenage girls to feel depressed and miserable because not only can't they afford the clothes, they can't fit into them anyway, and all their friends now hate them, so they start cutting themselves in the bathroom with razors and vomiting after all their meals -- was called "Girls Rule!".

268. Anti-establishment Harley-Davidsons that cost $23,000.

269. Compassion for nonhumans greater than compassion for actual humans.

294. American dignitaries visiting a province in Peru refused to be photographed near its Incan flag because it too closely resembled the Gay Pride banner.

362. The deep personal shame you experience when you realize you've just been walking down the street humming a GAP commercial.

363. It has been a really long time since we actually heard from God.

365. Next year.
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  • 12 comments

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…