Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Gas sketch that I probably should have put elsewhere

"Say, have you ever wondered what the difference is in brands of gasoline? Well, we've got news for you: there really isn't one. You yank the oil up out of the ground, do some refining and processing, clean it up a bit for the feds, and stick in in the pumps. It's all pretty much the same. So why pay more for some fancy brand name? Petey's Cut-Rate Gas Company. What you need, for cheap."

"Lately we've been hearing a lot of loose talk from certain discount gas companies about how gas is all the same. Well, we here at Motorco haven't been around since 1918 selling generic products that are just the same as everyone else's. Sure, our fuel costs a little more, but our special processes, not to mention our service, selection and name you can trust, makes it worth it. In this world, you get what you pay for; so pay for Motorco Petroleum."

"Hey, folks, if you've got the time, why don't you fill up your car with affordable, dependable Petey's Cut-Rate Gas, drive it down to your local Motorco Petroleum station, and ask them what exactly they're talking about. Service? You mean the guy who stands behind a counter and takes your money while you pump your own gas, just like everyplace else in America? Selection? You mean regular, premium AND unleaded, or the fancy names they give them to soak you out of more of your hard-earned dollars? A name you can trust? How about this name: CUT-RATE? Like as in, we sell it cheaper, so unless you want to be a sucker, shop here. Petey's Cut-Rate Gas Company. Don't be a chump all your life, my friends."

"Petey's Cut-Rate Gas seems to think you, the American consumer, are some kind of a chump or sucker. We here at Motorco Petroleum have a lot more respect for you. For example, we have FIVE different kinds of gasoline, including Diesel and our brand-new Citrus Berry Blast, instead of just three. And, contrary to popular belief, we don't just sell the same gas as everybody else. We put chemicals and additives and shit in it, so it, you know, makes your car go better! We have real scientists who do this. Does Petey's have scientists? The fuck they do. They have that retard who works in the tire department who can't even spell 'car'. Motorco Petroleum. With science!"

"Science, bullshit. Look, people, if you wanna live the rest of your days being a mark for some smooth-talking sharpie in a hundred-dollar suit, be our guest. You go ahead and pay a nickel extra per gallon because the hustlers at Motorco hire some dipshit from a land grant college chemistry department to throw two bucks' worth of fuel injector cleaner in every tankerful. Enjoy your new life as an easy target for East Coast smoothies. We'll just be here, selling cheap gas and fixing your car before you go off and buy some goddamn magic beans or something. Petey's Cut-Rate Gas Company. Our mechanics didn't go to some fancy finishing school, so they might not be the world's best spellers, but they can actually fix a fucking car."

"Have you, or someone you love, been insulted by a cut-rate discount gasoline vendor? Have you missed work, gotten behind on your bills, or suffered serious injury because Petey Magursik or someone in his employ has called you a chump, a mark, a sucker, or an easy target? Have you experienced mental anguish and humiliation because a gas commercial used impolite words in its advertising? Then you may be due a large cash settlement. If you'd like to join a class action suit against Petey's Cut-Rate Gas Company, call the trial attorneys of Jazzman & Houlebeque and ask for the Motorco lawsuit by pressing '1' at the prompt. Jazzman & Houlebeque: because you have lots of rights!"

Tags: laffs

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