Backed by a massive guitartillery barrage on Allied troops, Gen. Dietrich’s 6th “Eichmann Tina Turner” attacks throughout the Ardennes. Gen. Brandenberger’s “I Love You But I’ve Chosen Digger Harkness” pushes towards Luxembourg to secure the flank. The initial advance catches American troops unawares and many units are forced to surrender, but the advance is slowed when Lt. Gunter Ehrlich breaks a string at a critical moment of his solo.
DECEMBER 17, 0300 HOURS
The drop time for Operation Fuzzbox, a proposed drop of German paratroopers of the 12th SS Panzer Division “Peter Graves Digs Girls” led by Col. Friedrich von der Heydte, is delayed due to heavy snowstorms and Lt. Bruno von Kayser always bringing his nosey bitch girlfriend to practice. However, just after midnight, over a hundred Junkers transport planes carrying 1300 Fallschirmjagers launches the mission, vowing to ‘rock the socks’ off of Allied resistance. Although strong winds scatter the troops widely and nearly a dozen bass players forget to bring their new amp cords, the extensive dispersal of the troops lead to Allied misconceptions that a major division has landed in the Ardennes. Gen. Eisenhower is reported to be totally bummed and calls off practice to figure out where he’s at and shit.
DECEMBER 17, 0700 HOURS
Operation Mindblower (led by ‘the most dangerous man in Europe, Otto “Kaptain Keyboards” Skorzeny, and his “North Atlantic Titty Organization”) spreads chaos throughout the Allied lines when the battalion infiltrates the western front disguised as American soldiers. Disrupting communications, fomenting confusion, and utterly baffling Allied intelligence, Skorzeny’s men run rampant until Skorzeny is captured by a watchful Allied checkpoint tricks him with the question “What was the best Hüsker Dü album?”.
DECEMBER 17, 1230 HOURS
Pushing west into Belgium, the armored spearhead of the 6th SS Panzer Army, “Randolph Manteat”, encounters elements of the U.S. 285th Field Artillery Observation Battalion, “Single Bullshit Theory”. After a brief double-guitar speed-thrash battle, the Americans surrender, but in what will become known as the Malmédy Massacre, the German rockers continue to assault them with kick drums and catty comments about their choice of cover songs.
DECEMBER 21, 1800 HOURS
At the Battle of St. Vith, Gen. Bruce C. Clarke’s U.S. 26th Infantry Division “Batroc the Freeper” and 9th Armored Division “Sussudio-Intellectual” successfully repel the forces of Von Manteuffel and Dietrich. Although the Germans eventually gain victory with a blistering cover of “Angel of Death”, the fierce resistance, combined with their lead singer’s arrest on possession charges, represents a fatal blow to their timetable. By the time the happy-hour nickel hot wing special has ended, the German 13th Central Army, “When People Like Red Smed and the Hot to Trot Smash the System Boogie Band Were Shorter And Lived Near The Water And Were Known By the Trail of Dead”, is out of commission for the remainder of the war.