1. To the good people of Amarillo, TX, I’m sorry. I should have cleaned the bathroom first, or at least put a sign on the door.
2. To the voters of Cook County, IL, I’m sorry. In my defense, I did put all of my plans in the voter guide prior to election day, but perhaps you didn’t take them seriously. At any rate, my actions, up to and including the construction of the “correctivity camps” and the multiple show trials for heresy, were clearly outside the aegis of the office of Water Commissioner. I overstepped my bounds and I’m sorry.
3. To the Japanese-American Cultural Congress of Pomona, CA, I’m sorry. I had no idea that among your people, those words, gestures, bodily secretions, and forms of sexual interaction were offensive.
4. To the Merton family of Salinas, KS, I’m sorry. I can’t help thinking that if you’d been a bit more reasonable, and if you’d paid closer attention to my explanation of how badly I needed to use your car, a lot of the resulting unpleasantness could have been avoided. But I’m still sorry, and the first two funerals are my treat.
5. To the Karros family of Ames, IA, I’m sorry. For essentially the same reasons.
6. Also to the police department of Bettendorf, IA.
7. Though not to the police department of Grand Junction, CO. That was totally your fuckup, dudes.
8. To my girlfriend, I’m sorry. For everything, really, but mostly for the times where I said anything, did anything, or sold anything into white slavery.
9. To Jon, I’m sorry. I think it’s probably best for you, your wife, your neighbors and co-workers if I don’t spell out exactly why I’m sorry, but trust me, you’ll know why when it happens.
10. To Paraguay, I’m sorry. There really is no excuse for what I did, but if there is a bright side, it’s that some of you are here today to read this apology.