What do you think of me, iTunes?
"Olive", Ken Nordine.
Please! The preferred term is 'levantine'. And that really doesn't tell me much, iTunes.
Will I have a happy life?
"Our Retired Explorer (Dines with Michel Foucault in Paris, 1961)", the Weakerthans.
I guess I could have a worse time than that, iTunes.
What do my friends really think of me?
"Space Boy Dream", Belle & Sebastian.
So...they think I'm from space? Seems kinda junior high to me, iTunes.
Do people secretly lust after me?
"In the Mood", Glenn Miller & His Orchestra.
Maaaaaan, iTunes. You're getting awfully cute.
How can I make myself happy?
"Fists of Love", Big Black.
Oh ho ho! Not so cute anymore, eh, iTunes? Well, I'll take no abusive relationship advice from the likes of you, you soulless widget.
What should I do with my life?
"Love is a Rose", Neil Young.
So...become a florist? Or a prostitute? Stop being so abstract, iTunes.
Why must life be so full of pain?
"Storm in My House", the Minutemen.
Tell it to New Orleans, iTunes.
How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Suite for Beaver Part 2", People Under The Stairs.
Oh, come on, iTunes, seriously. People are going to think I'm just making this stuff up. But now that you mention it, yes, I suppose I am, although that's not really about maximizing my pleasure as such.
Will I ever have children?
"Verbal Clap", De La Soul.
Okay, this is less informative, iTunes.
Will I die happy?
"Someday", Ce Ce Rogers.
Now that's the direct and cheerful answers I've come to expect from you, iTunes.
Can you give me some advice?
"Kunta Fly Shit", Ghostface Killah.
I appreciate the effort, iTunes, but I'm not sure that advice was really meant for me.
What do you think happiness is?
"I Want to Be an Anglepoise Lamp", the Soft Boys.
Everybody wants to be something they're not, iTunes. Can't you be happy with what you are? Or should I look into costly, traumatic device reassignment surgery?
What's my favorite fetish?
"You're Still on My Mind", the Stanley Brothers.
That's a pretty dumb answer, iTunes, but in fairness, it was a pretty dumb question.